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The Shame of Bitterness

2012-01-29T22:49:00.001-05:00

Okay ((deep breath)) - blogging is supposed to be therapeutic, right? Right. So I have to write. About my "baby emptiness" again. More about it.

I hate to dwell on the same subject time after time, because I don't like to imagine this is some little pity party. I don't like thinking that people are asking themselves why I keep coming back to this same topic. You might be wondering that if that's the case, why I don't just write about it in a journal for myself instead of blogging about it. The answer is simple, yet complex. If I journal privately about it, it still feels like it's festering inside of me and only me. If I blog about it here, I feel at least like particles of it are dissipating, being sent out into the air, leaving me. And there's more. I don't like feeling the way I feel. So maybe if I write it out here, it will feel less...lonely. Less ugly. It's really the ugliness that gets to me. If I write it out here, maybe I'll be so ashamed of the ugliness that I will teach myself to come to terms with it and move on.

I never thought I'd be one of those people who couldn't have children. But what's more than that, I never thought I'd be one of those people who couldn't have children and so was jealous that other people had them. And the more time passes, the more I fear I am becoming jealous, even bitter. Bitter and Arielle aren't really two words I'd ever consider akin to each other... but even I can recognize that for split seconds here and there, I am bitter. I hate writing those words. But I hate feeling them even more.

When I am in certain situations, in certain moments, I feel like this strange sadness fills up my "baby emptiness" - like there is some heavy liquid rising to the top of some void within me. I can't stop it and often, this feeling happens without me even realizing it has. And then WHAM! - I'm knocked down. Figuratively, but nonetheless, knocked down. It happens without warning, often during otherwise normal or even happy moments. I get so angry with myself in these moments, because I tell myself that I am not allowing myself to experience the joy that's there.

I was at my parents' house yesterday. My brother was there with his adorable and precious baby, my niece. I love this little girl to pieces. And yet, before I know what's happening, that "baby emptiness" that's always there inside me is suddenly filled up with this horrible, heavy liquid and it's all I can do not to go sit in a corner and pout. Like, why would I want to ruin beautiful moments of family joy sitting off to the side feeling sorry for myself? Why would I want to think about bad things when great stuff is happening before my eyes? I get SO angry at ME. But I can't help it. It's a force all its own.

It's not a case of 'you have something and I don't' so I'm jealous. If I was single or several years younger and just wanted to be a mother, but it hadn't happened for me yet, I wouldn't feel this way. It's because I'm married and I'm 27 and the trying to conceive, followed by visits to a fertility specialist, followed by diagnosis of No-Way-In-Hell, followed by another year and a half on top of THAT of sitting with that diagnosis every day makes me physically hurt. If I just wanted it, but there was hope, I wouldn't feel that terrible envy.

And that the envy is there... it makes me sadder still. I wish I didn't feel it. But it's real. I tell myself I have to allow myself to feel the pain I feel. That it's okay. But it doesn't change the fact that I sometimes go into sweet, happy situations ready to enjoy a child for the child's sake and end up going home later feeling depressed.

Before I got married, my Nana gave me this book called Married For Life: Inspirations from Those Married 50 Years or More. I admit that I have never read it in its entirety. Today, while I was cleaning, I found it and opened it up to the middle. The page staring up at me was about envy. "Learn to be content with what you have." That's the heading of the page. At the bottom, there is a quote: "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." With a deep sigh, I nodded to myself. THAT is exactly how I feel. Like this envy is going to rot my bones. So this is why I write here, getting it out where it's less than private, airing the wound, trying desperately not to let the wound fester.

I am ashamed of how I feel sometimes. I don't like bad feelings within me. I want to be filled with good. I can scarcely put into words how I feel. The best word to describe it is: lonely.

I'm out of the parent club. "You're not a mom, you couldn't possibly understand." I'm running out of time. "When are you going to have kids? Rick is getting pretty old."

And then, maybe the piece of which I'm most ashamed: Sometimes I feel second-best. My parents have their first grandchild. They're so happy with the baby. It's awesome. But sometimes I feel like a selfish child with the thoughts that run through my head, and that is the part I hate. Does it matter if I'm doing impressive things or working hard? I don't have a baby. The conversations everyone is always having are about that fun kid stuff. I don't have fun stuff to talk about. I mean, like my grandmother for example - she was happy to talk to me about things when I was getting married. That was something to talk about and get excited about and ask about. But now... the excitement is over...has been over...I have no kids so no one asks about my life. The lull has happened. I get asked, "How's school?" or "How's work?" but as soon as I begin to answer with a "Busy, but good," people move on to the next thing that's going on. My life is boring to them. The only one who gets excited about it is me. And I guess that's okay, but I feel unimportant. Extended family always wants to talk about all the kids - what they're doing, how they are, if they're sick, if they're being good, look at pictures. Me? I have cats. No one cares. It's just sad, being obsessed with cats. I have a website. And some jobs. And grad school. And a husband who's in pain. But I'm happy with all that - and I'd talk about it for hours if you asked what my weekly video is about this week... or what my research project is about... or - you see? It's like I'm jealous and left out and it's very reminiscent of what a little child feels when they get a new baby brother or sister. Except I'm an adult woman and this does not feel good inside. I don't want to feel like this.

My parents do a lot for me. I know they care about me. I just get all twisted up inside because I feel constantly like I'm standing on the periphery of the good stuff. If I feel left-out, then I must be ungrateful somehow and then I'm angry at myself all over again.

But back to the sneaky heavy liquid filling up the "baby emptiness." When I went to my parents' house yesterday, I was feeling pretty good. I was a little tired, but mostly good. By the time I left to go home, I was depressed. In a room with my parents and my brother and my niece, I felt extra. Weird. Lonely. It's all ME. It's not them. It's me. I do this to myself.

But that sneaky little awful feeling that's been there since Rick and I found out we can't have any children - it never quite goes away - and it had lit again (as it does from time to time)... and the fire was bad. I drove home, feeling angry with myself that I have become a woman who can't enjoy pleasant things without being reminded of what I DON'T have, and I hugged my husband. Talked to him about it for a few minutes. Went upstairs to fix the internet that was down. Got a few text messages from my mom asking if I was okay. And you know what I did?

With the door shut, in the middle of the spare room where I keep my desk, the stupid room that was supposed to be a baby's room, on my elbows and knees with my iPhone in one hand and an ethernet cord from the back of my modem in the other, I cried hysterically to myself. I cried so hard I thought something was wrong with me. I never did reply to my mom's last text. I eventually dropped the phone and the ethernet cord, and that's how Rick found me some 15 minutes later, still on my knees in the middle of the floor, my face in my hands, crying loudly like the world was ending.

He rushed right to me. Held me tight. "Oh my poor baby. My sweet Arielle." I was too embarrassed and too emotional to speak. I had never intended to CRY, let alone for him to actually find me like that. But even if I had been able to speak, there was no need. Rick knew exactly why I was crying. I didn't need to say a word. So we sat there on the floor with our arms around each other. And when it was over, it was over. And I went to take a shower. And when I came downstairs and climbed in his lap in his chair, I whispered, "I'm embarrassed." He told me there was no need to be.

But I am. People have real problems. People have real tragedies. I don't want to turn into a jealous, bitter, self-pitying lady who cries on the floor while holding an ethernet cord because she's so startled by the sheer pain of what she feels.

Today, while cleaning, after I found the Married For Life book from my Nana, I found the folders from our visits to RMA (Reproductive Medicine Associates) I had tucked away in case we ever win the lottery and can afford $14,000 for IVF which we were told probably wouldn't work anyway. So basically, like $14,000 x 10 for all the tries we'd have to do for a tiny percentage that would be miraculous, not probable.

Then, in my file drawers where I have labeled hanging folders, I found the damn file labeled "Baby" - that's where I used to put all the ideas for nursery decorations, or art projects to do with a child, or budgeting forms for the first few years, or you know - all that cutesy stuff people rip from catalogs and print off the internet when they have Baby Brain...back when we were planning to get pregnant/trying to get pregnant in 2009 and I had no idea I was destined to cry on my carpet like a wreck in 2012.

Then, an hour later, stuffed in the closet of the spare room, I found a CVS bag with a brand new pregnancy test 2-pack - from when I used to time cycles and be so eager and try, try, try every month. And obviously be prepared. ((sigh))

I'm afraid this long post is about to end with neither a moral nor a lesson. And despite the horrendously self-pitying nature of all of the above, I'm eternally thankful for the love of my husband, the joy of my niece, and the fact that I'm able to repair the internet connection in the midst of an emotional meltdown.

An Easer of Pain

2012-01-26T22:11:00.003-05:00

I hear a lot of things.

I hear about pain.
People with eating disorders write to me. They email me, Facebook message me, tweet me, text me, comment on my eating disorder recovery site (www.arielleleebair.com) - and they tell me how they hurt emotionally. They tell me about the struggle of recovery, the desire to be thin, the trauma of their pasts, their dysfunctional families, their experiences of being bullied, their self-hatred. They tell me about all the evils of eating disorders, because they know I understand. They know my own history allows a kind of window into their lives. They know I know their pain is real. They know I'll validate them, but also try to help them, give them hope. I listen to the women in the support group I lead and sometimes the pain is thick within the room. I want to erase it, chase it out. Their pain follows me, but I don't feel weighed down. I feel involved, purposeful, ready. Ready for what? I often ask myself when that word pops into my mind. Ready to send my rays of hope, light, joy into other lives.

I hear about pain.
Literal pain. My husband suffers from fibromyalgia and miofascial pain. It's intense, it's constant, and there is no relief. He has described it to me this way: "It feels as though my whole body is dipped in a vat of battery acid. Forever." The pain, which is worst in his face, head, and neck as well as the left side of his back, leg, and the soles of his feet, is something which I cannot understand. I try and I empathize, but I can't truly know. The pain is so bad and the feeling of it so constricting that he has said it feels as if he is in an incredibly tight bear hug 24 hours per day, 7 days a week, every single moment. It makes it hard for him to ever get a full breath. He tells me this. People who pass him in every day life cannot tell that he is in excruciating pain. He doesn't show it. He may be quiet, he may be reserved, he may not be smiling much of the time - but they don't attribute that to the incessant pain he is in all the time. They just think it's him. Well, it's not him. It's the pain.

Sometimes, at home, he inhales deeply and with effort. I can hear the breath shaking out of him. He gulps air in and out a few times in a row. It sounds exaggerated. But it's just him attempting to get what feels like a full breath, without that horrid constricting feeling that never lets go. Sometimes, at home, he cries out in pain. It hardly ever happens, but sometimes he allows the verbal reaction. He tells me about it. About the doctors he's seen, the clinics he's visited, the treatments he's had. Nothing has worked. He tells me about medications he's tried that regulate pain receptors in the brain or change hormonal imbalances (like for depression) and ones that are just heavy duty pain relievers. He tells me about the time he went gluten free and all the other natural remedies and diets he hoped would alleviate even a small bit of the constant pain. Nothing has worked. He tells me about his herbs - the natural, fresh from the literal Amazon herbs and some Chinese ones too - which help him just enough so that he can work 40 hours without the pain debilitating him completely. They give him energy, because a huge part of fibromyalgia is often chronic fatigue.

The herbs are one of only two things he credits with getting him through each day. The other thing is me.

I hear about pain.
I'm at a domestic violence shelter 16 hours per week. I'm a graduate intern counselor and I see women face to face who have endured the most horrible and unthinkable abuse. I do individual one hour counseling sessions and just when I think I've heard it all, I hear some more. Sometimes they don't even have to speak - I just see the pain in their eyes. Sometimes I answer the 24 hour helpline and I hear the pain in the voices on the other end. The desperation. The sadness. The hurt. I often have the feeling that the phone - tangible receiver, cord, and all - is the last thread of hope for them. When I walk the halls of the shelter and see the children there, I hear pain. I can hear it in the laughter - it's the something that's missing. The something that's missing from that childlike laughter is what the pain has done.

I could go on. There is so much pain. In the world, certainly. In my country, definitely. In my state, yes. In my city, of course. But even within my own little microcosm of my every day life, there is so much pain.

I hear a lot of things.
That's how I began this post. "I hear a lot of things."
And somehow, I wrote about pain.
I hear a lot of things. But mostly, I hear about pain.

I live life, love life, enjoy life. I have hope, love hope, and give hope. I can't erase pain. I can't blot it out for people. But I can ease it. That's what I want to be, at my core. I mean, I want to be a writer, a helper, a woman, wife, sister, daughter, friend, social worker, counselor, reader, blogger, learner, dreamer... but mostly, I want to be an Easer of Pain. How lucky I am to have hit the nail on the head - to finally understand what my calling is at its most basic level. I've peeled the onion and I've realized... maybe just tonight, just now, in the writing of this post. I want to be so many things and do exactly what I'm doing in life. But beneath the social worker, group leader, recovery blogger, writer, eating disorder activist, wife, friend, counselor.... I want to be an Easer of Pain.

Home in the Storm

2012-01-22T23:00:00.000-05:00

Every time I sit in front of a computer to do work for grad school, I end up writing my thoughts instead. I start off working diligently, only to find that as the hours pass I am typing away in a different Word document or have somehow wandered into my blog(s) or other venues. It really is like a calling. Writing, that is.

I see myself more clearly on paper than I ever do in the mirror.

I express myself best by clicking of my fingertips on a keyboard or scratching a pen against a piece of paper. It's as if something makes sense and I'm at home.

I once wrote a little something in the blink of an eye - and I called it Home in the Storm:

---

My brain is working overtime; it’s constantly in rhyme—in motion. I wait, but have the notion I am giving up on vision, precision, if I hold out. I doubt that I can stop the workings of my brain, even if I strain, for all at once the words are there—pushing through with force and care. I stop, I wait—they flood the gate—those words that press into my soul and reaching for the pen again, I’ve given up control. Within me poetry takes form, like a potent storm—and then takes flight, like a rapid kite. I’m there, but where?—Inside this dream, this trance, this storm, as lines take form, I’m free and clearly I can see that they have taken hold of me. I contemplate, I wait…with chills and thrills anticipate…and then, I’m back--------I’m home, in front of me a poem.

---

That was 4 years ago exactly. I can't believe how well it describes the way I feel about writing...the way I feel about what goes on inside of myself.

Out of the Club

2012-01-02T16:00:00.000-05:00

I feel like I need to preface this post by saying that I'm not complaining. I'm not posting "pity me" statuses relentlessly on Facebook or bitching about how my life sucks, because it doesn't. I'm reflecting. And there is a big difference. I'm reflecting, working through and accessing my real feelings, and writing them out on my blog.

There has been so much family time this holiday season. I've loved it. I love the holidays and I love family. My heart, however, has been a little sore. This soreness is very hard to explain without sounding both ungrateful and witchy, but I'm going to try.

The other night, at my Grammy's house, was very hard. I was there with a slew of relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins, my mom, my grandmother, and lots of little ones - the kids of my cousins. My female cousins and their husbands each had their little babies, and my male cousin and his wife had their little ones. And as I sat there, I realized (not for the first time, just with a newer kind of pang) amongst all the talking/photo-sharing/milestone-sharing, that even my younger brother and his wife have their little baby, my adorable niece.

Everyone was showing pictures of the kids and oohing and ahhing over undeniably cute stuff (all these kids are precious!) - and I felt like this big outsider in the corner with nothing to share to belong.

I'm 27 and everyone around me had babies or kids... and there I was, wondering if one by one they'd all just keep passing me by and I'd be that childless aunt in the corner, giggling over cute pictures of my niece and my cousins' kids, but not really being able to add to the conversations like everyone else, because I'm not a parent.

It hurt so badly inside that I had to leave the room. My "baby emptiness," as I call it, just hurt so bad. I've never been like this before. I've felt sad about it, it's been painful, but I've never physically had to leave a room of great, loving people because my own heart couldn't handle it. The reason I left the room was so I wouldn't make a fool of myself by crying.

I love all of their babies and little children so much and I'm not jealous in a bad way - I just feel like I don't belong and am missing out on something fantastic. It would be different if I was an adult who didn't want children, but I DO so badly, so it just kills me inside somehow. It's not that I think a woman's purpose is to have children, because I don't and it isn't. And it's not that I think my life is worthless because I don't have a child, because that's not true either. And it's not that I'm not accomplishing plenty of great things that have nothing to do with kids, because I feel productive and accomplished most of the time.

The best way I can explain it is this: It's like being a room with all your friends who are at the same point in life as you are - and they all open their acceptance letters to the same school. And they're all smiling and laughing and raving about how awesome it is. They're sharing the joy with each other, telling stories about how great it's going to be, and then they look at you expectantly and you say, "I didn't get in."

That's what this feeling feels like. It just sucks.

They have jobs. So do I. They're married. I'll be married 4 years this April. They have homes. Me too. It's like this normal progression... And then they all have babies/kids. I don't. It doesn't feel good - not just because I'm left out of that great little club, but because I tried and tried to be in it and I'm shit out of luck and still hoping for a way.

Okay, the pity party is over.
It's nobody's fault that I feel this way sometimes. It just is. And maybe it's just me. But I desperately want to be part of the club. And writing it out makes the pain feel better.

Snippets of Life with Rick

2012-01-02T12:04:00.001-05:00

Arielle (describing the elegance of a Louis Vuitton handbag): "It's pretty and it's expensive. It's a Louis Vuitton."

Rick: "I think I went to school with that guy."

-–----------------------------------------------

Arielle: "Look at this cute cat video!" She shows him the video on YouTube.
Rick: "This video has 5,000,000 views. This video has 5,000,000 views?"
Arielle: "Well yeah."
Rick: "There are that many people out there like YOU?"

:)
He was flabbergasted.

Year in Review

2011-12-31T19:56:00.000-05:00

My wish for 2011 was: to complain less, love life, and remain content when things do not go my way.

In January:
I was working on getting things settled for the brand new kittens. Congresswoman Gifford was shot in Arizona and was in critical condition. I became an aunt!

In February:
Egypt was protesting Mubarak and trying to gain freedom. Rick made me watch old James Bond movies and told me about his childhood memories relating to them.

In March:
A Tsunami in Japan destroyed lives and cities. I began working on an ambitious 3rd wedding anniversary gift for Rick - a day calendar for his desk I made myself.

In April:
I gave him his gift which he loves (it goes from April 19th 2011 to April 19th 2012 because that's our wedding anniversary). The royal wedding occurred in London.

In May:
I raised the most money for my job's Highmark Walk for a Healthy Community. Osama bin Laden was killed by American soldiers in Pakistan.

In June:
I finished a master's level Gerontology course and realized that I do really think I'd like working with the elderly. I got hit on by a 90 year old man at a local nursing home when I visited for grad school. I got an iPhone! I reconciled with my father.

In July:
I wrote a letter to the editor about the awesome work Turning Point does helping victims/survivors of domestic violence and it was published. There was a mass shooting in Norway of dozens of youth on a summer camp island.

In August:
Hurricane Irene reared her ugly head. The women in the eating disorder support group I lead brought me a beautiful sunflower, a beautiful card they'd signed, and other little gifts that had meaning to show their appreciation for me. I spoke at the Voice of School Health conference, presenting the topic of eating disorders to a bunch of nurses.

In September:
I chose my graduate research topic: Bullying and Eating Disorders in Women. It was the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I began my first MSW field placement at Turning Point.

In October:
Steve Jobs passed away. I turned 27. It snowed before Halloween! 10 inches!

In November:
Penn State sex scandals went public. I got excited for the holidays and family gatherings.

In December:
The world lost a great man when my best friend's father passed away, leaving a hole in many lives, including mine. I worked furiously to finish up my grad school semester and reached the halfway point of my 60 credit Masters degree. The cats celebrated one year with us and made it feel like 10.

What I've gained in 2011: another year of love with Rick, a niece!, another year of grad school education, another year of wisdom, a work-in-progress-but-nevertheless-better relationship with my father

What I've lost: a father figure with the passing of Mr. Liberman, another year of wishing for a child

What I've learned: that one life can touch hundreds of others in ways that do not become truly clear until the hundreds congregate in one place at one time, that time passes more quickly the older one gets - even at only 27

My best adventure: every-day work life at Turning Point!, my trip to Michigan to visit with Alicia and thus, my roadtrip with my mom and Grammy

My proudest moment: through VERY difficult courses, bogged down time, excessive work, and running around like a chicken with its head cut off, maintaining my straight A streak in graduate school!

My wish for next year: to work hard, keep positive, and spread joy and hope

Peace out, 2011! Welcome, 2012! :)

Envisioning the New Year

2011-12-29T20:54:00.000-05:00

My Wednesday Warrior video this for my main site was called "Envisioning the New Year," and while it may apply to individuals struggling with eating disorders, it applies to everyone else as well.

So, instead of New Year's resolutions... try envisioning 2012. The video says it all.

Curiosity Killed the Christmas Tree

2011-11-29T15:18:00.000-05:00

Day 1 of artificial Christmas tree: I woke up to find a big bough of the tree ripped from its snapped-in spot. Tumbler was sitting on it and simultaneously trying to eat it. My crystal angel ornament was across the house on the linoleum kitchen floor.

Day 2 of artificial Christmas tree: I came downstairs this morning exclaiming,"Aww kitties! The tree is intact this morning!" Then Rick walked into the kitchen, cleared his throat loudly and pointed. A large snowflake ornament was on the floor looking up at me.

Day 3 of artificial Christmas tree: Upon waking up this morning, the tree was in beautiful shape, completely untouched. No ornaments were found anywhere else in the house. When I returned home from work this afternoon, the tree was still mercifully intact, but the nice Christmas bow had been ripped from the top of a wrapped present, was pulled apart into long ribbons, and was waiting for me in the bathroom in front of the toilet.

[I think he's winking]

This is entertaining... never knowing what I will find. At least the tree is still standing... for now.

To be continued...

Christmas Cats

2011-11-27T10:01:00.001-05:00

They're ready.

Life with Rick

2011-11-24T23:12:00.001-05:00

These are just a handful of the things my husband says to me at night:

"Can you imagine surviving a tornado?"

"I love these socks. I couldn't live without these socks."

"That commercial for the Droid is the best commercial I think I've ever seen in my life."

Sharing is Caring

2011-11-21T12:31:00.000-05:00

My Saturday night:

I shared two pieces of buttered baked flounder with Juice...while Rick ate cheese and crackers by choice. If that doesn't make me a crazy cat lady, I don't know what does. :)

Changes & Lessons

2011-11-13T15:28:00.000-05:00

I've added a new tab to the top of my blog called "Changes & Lessons." It's basically a list of all the posts that document important changes or lessons since the day I started this blog several years ago. Finding the posts to put there made me smile and shake my head intermittently, because so much really has changed. It's cool to watch yourself grow. I've always been the introspective type, enjoying that feeling of nostalgia and looking back into the past.

Hope you enjoy the glimpses of my life in changes and lessons, from the purchase of my first house...to choosing my wedding gown...to deaths and dreams and goals. It's all there, categorized by year, starting with 2007.

Can't believe 2012 is on its way!

Momma Cat

2011-11-12T17:30:00.006-05:00

After a long day at work, the Momma Cat collapses with her baby cats.

Tabs for Grabs

2011-11-06T20:36:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed my super cool new tabs at the top of my blog. Are they necessary? Nope. Are they amusing? Yep. Any others you'd like to see? Ask and you shall receive. :)

Contradictions

2011-11-06T18:15:00.000-05:00

Rick had to brush me for 10 minutes yesterday before I was respectable enough to leave the house. Apparently a shrug and a response of "I have cats" wasn't going to be enough for him to want to be seen with me.

He mocked me for being obsessed with the cats.

I think he was a little jealous of the cats.

Later, at the grocery store, he happily showed me the Christmas wrapping paper he picked up to buy: kittens in Santa Hats and ones doing other cute kitteny Christmasy things. Does he not see that he is feeding the obsession?

:)

Moral of the story (besides the obvious contradiction by my dear husband): If you get a Christmas present from me wrapped in kitten paper, blame RICK, not me. Though I have to admit I'll enjoy doing the wrapping. Oh, and I told Rick to be sure to wrap all MY gifts in that adorable squeal-worthy paper. :)

The Tale of the Missing Tumbler

2011-11-05T17:00:00.000-04:00

Last night after work I was taking a shower. I came out of the bedroom with a towel wrapped around me and Tumbler was missing. Let me say this: Tumbler is not stealthy. He is not quiet when he moves or breathes. He is hard to miss. He can't jump. He can't really climb... Unless he claws in and really gives it his all. He sounds like a hooting owl on a normal day. And even when he's asleep, he usually snores.

So the fact that he was nowhere to be found was extremely odd. Extremely.

Rick called me into our guest bedroom. His exact words were: "Want to see something?"

I went into the guest bedroom, wrapped in my towel. I thought he'd be pointing out Tumbler.

But I didn't see anything.

I looked at the bed because he likes to be covered up and I thought I might see a little lump under the covers. I heard the telltale Tumbler breathing. I tried to follow the sound. It seemed to be coming from the bed. But he wasn't under it.

He didn't seen to be ON it...

The bed was perfectly made.

I pulled back the cover. Next to the pillow, wedged into a mass that seemed to render him an EXTENSION of the pillow, was Tumbler. How did he climb up onto the bed without messing it up? I don't know.

How did he get into the bed and pull the cover neatly back over him? I don't know.

How did he know to become one with the pillow so that it looked like nothing was amiss underneath the bedspread? I don't know.

The world may never know. But for the first time, Tumbler outsmarted us all.

Halloween Conversations with a Future Cat Lady

2011-10-31T20:58:00.000-04:00

I just met a Future Cat Lady. She came to my door with her bag of candy, dressed as Cinderella. She had blue eyes, blonde hair, and was about 5 or 6 years old. There was a lull in the massive swarm of Trick-or-Treaters, which allowed for the following conversation.

Mini Cinderella (approaching me at the front door): "Did I see...animals...in there?" She looks behind me into my house.

Me: "Yes, kitties."

Mini Cinderella (with an almost undetectable squeal of glee): "More than one?" The only reason I was able to detect the almost undetectable squeal of glee is because I am a cat lady myself, and have that super power.

Me (smiling): "Yes, two kitties."

Mini Cinderella: "Well, can they come out?"

Me: "Aw, no, they're afraid."

Mini Cinderella (with an air of superiority): "PORTIA's not afraid."

Me: "Oh, is Portia your cat?"

Mini Cinderella (with a bit of attitude meaning OBVIOUSLY): "Yes!"

Me: "Mine are kind of scared."

Mini Cinderella (in a sudden understanding tone): "Ohhh. Will they...run away?" She whispers the words "run away" as if they might hear.

Me (with mock sadness and a nod): "They might."

Mini Cinderella (still peering behind me into my house and nodding): "I see."

It is about this time that her father, who had been waiting patiently at the end of my long driveway, begins to walk up my walkway, probably wondering what the hell his little daughter is doing. He has that look on his face that says, 'Stop bothering the nice lady' and calls, "Come on, honey" so I explain to him that she had seen the cats through the door and we had been talking about them. Her father nods knowingly with an almost undetectable roll of the eyes, as if to indicate that this happens frequently when she notices cats. The only reason I was able to detect the almost undetectable roll of the eyes is because I am a cat lady myself, and have that super power.

I waved good bye to the Future Cat Lady, who tore herself away from the mere glimpses of Tumbler and Juice through the glass. This is one of the reasons why I love handing out candy to the children for Halloween.

Daylight Savings, the Rick Version

2011-10-30T10:44:00.001-04:00

So you know how some people inevitably mess up daylight savings? It's usually because they forget altogether to change their clocks... Or they set them forward instead of back...or back instead of forward... And show up somewhere at the wrong time due to their mistake...

Well...
Rick thought it was daylight savings this weekend instead of next weekend, so he changed all our clocks back. I slept 'til 10 am & came downstairs to him saying, "The DVR didn't change its clock." I immediately looked at my phone, which had not changed either.

So with comprehension and regret, I said to him, "Then it's not daylight savings yet."

He looked around perplexed at all the clocks in our house... The stove... The microwave... Which he had himself changed last night... As if he couldn't figure out why the automatic devices wouldn't match them. I tried to tell him he'd made a mistake by lovingly phrasing my words into a question: "Are you sure you got the right weekend?" but sadly I already knew the answer.

He looked at his desk calendar, still confused, and said something along the lines of, "Yes, it says so," which honestly kind of threw me for a loop. So he made me flip on the TV to the Weather Channel and see what time they said it was. As I suspected, it didn't match Daylight Savings, Rick Version. He shook his head, now convinced I was right, but motioned me over to his calendar to show me where it said Daylight Savings and prove to me he was only following directions.

I looked at the calendar. This weekend "European Union Daylight Savings Time Ends" and NEXT WEEKEND "Daylight Savings Time Ends for the U.S. & Canada." I informed him that we live in America.

Thankfully, we had nowhere to go, nothing to do, and got lots of extra sleep with no penalty. The moral of the story is: Don't trust your husband to take care of Daylight Savings time on his own. I tried to have trust he could do it. It just didn't work out.

Sticky (Cat) Situations

2011-10-24T14:03:00.001-04:00

This morning, I was petting Tumbler and I felt something sticky and hardened on his fur. I said, "Tumbler, what's on you, buddy?" He just purred happily.

Rick, however, answered me very matter-of-factly: "Oh it's honey. I got it on him last night." That's what happens when you have a cat in your lap and no napkin, I guess.

But they have a special relationship so I doubt Tumbler minded. In fact, the other night I wnt downstairs at 2 AM to find Rick fast asleep in his chair with a mat on his lap. Tumbler was on the mat, sitting cutely, wide awake and staring at Rick snore.

I wonder sometimes. But then I remember I'm a crazy cat lady. :)

Goals, Goals, and More Goals...

2011-10-22T17:50:00.000-04:00

Just found this list from about 4 and a half years ago:

Things I Want to Do By the Time I'm 30:

Re-learn Spanish
Have a child
Get my Master's Degree
Publish a children's book, novel, collection of poetry...or all three
Get a great job (or work at home as a writer under contract with a publishing company--which IS a great job)
Write a book about my college years, whether it's for publishing or just for posterity
Travel somewhere outside the U.S.
Expand my library from 500 books to 700 books.
Learn recipes from my grandmothers.
Donate money to a worthy cause.

There are a few things I've noticed. One is, I have a lot more goals now than I did then. I could add to that list and double it.
I am very close to completing my #3 goal! And at the time I composed this list, I had absolutely no idea getting my MSW (Masters in Social Work) was in the cards.
Having a child before 30 clearly isn't going to happen, especially since I'm already 27 and it would take a miracle.
I did #7 twice since I wrote this list. I went to St. Lucia for my honeymoon in 2008 and I went to Dominican Republic in 2009 as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding.
My library of books is somewhere over the 600 mark so I'm definitely on my way to 700. Not too shabby, considering I do have 3 years left 'til 30. :)
I have donated to a lot of worthy causes, I think. To end Eating Disorders, Domestic Violence... To support Child Welfare, Cancer Research...
I still have some things to work on... but I have time... plenty of time... and there are a lot of other priorities that have replaced some of the things on this list. Always nice to get some perspective... especially from an older and wiser Arielle. :)

Snippets

2011-10-19T15:51:00.000-04:00

In the last week, someone said to me, "You're so pretty you look fake." Am I supposed to take that as a compliment?

----------------------

While out to lunch with my co-workers, a man said to me, "Wow THAT is a great dress. Where did you get it?"

I kept myself from replying that the color would look good on him. "Wow, that is a great dress" - okay, that's like a pick-up line or something. But "where did you get?" - never heard that one before... Okay, maybe he was a fashion designer or something...

-----------------------

On Saturday, I was telling Rick something about one of Ian Somerhalder's Tweets. I was explaining something and said, "well you wouldn't know, you don't have a Twitter account."

Rick's response? "That's what you think."

-----------------------

Random Acts of Sleeplessness

2011-10-17T23:05:00.000-04:00

Just messing around with some iPhone photo editing stuff. Makes pictures "old" and gives them ragged edges and creases and such. Was thinking of incorporating them/the look into a new header for this blog, since I just revamped my main blog (Actively Arielle: A Voice with a Commitment) today. Still pondering. It's not as though I have time for that stuff anyway! But speaking of the time I don't have, I really should post the cat videos I've made recently... I am such a crazy cat lady. They are going to lock me up. :)

Straight and curly - it's like I have 2 personalities! Hah!

Birthday Reflections

2011-10-12T22:33:00.001-04:00

As I do every year, the time has come to write my birthday post, reflecting on the past year of my life. I usually take any opportunity to be introspective... I like to observe my own life. I like to write my thoughts. I like to remember.

More than anything,this year has been a quick one. I can't believe how fast time seems to be flying. Rick says that the older you get, the faster the years go. So far, that theory is proving to be true.

Graduate school has taken up a lot of my life this past year. I love it and I'm going to have a proud moment and say that I've managed to get all As so far in a program where that doesn't often occur. Who knows if I can keep that up - I've got a lot on my plate - fill time job, 16 hour per week internship, being a support group leader, blogging, grad school work, declining in-laws, and sad attempts to find enough time for my husband so he doesn't think I've stopped loving him. I can't complain. Life is good. I am busier than I've ever been, but the direction in which I'm heading feels right and I'm satisfied.

Do I get stressed out sometimes? Yes. But I'm actually impressed with how solid and peaceful I've been in regards to not letting it overwhelm me.

I've been hearing a lot of difficult things during my graduate internship at Turning Point. Counseling victims/survivors of domestic violence is taxing. I like it a lot. Crisis work is so fast-paced, so important... So different from anything I've done before.

I've been feeling better this past year concerning the "baby emptiness." It's still hard and I still have moments of some pretty deep sadness, but it's a sad point in a life of happiness, so again, I can't complain. Having the kitties has helped so much. More than I ever thought it could or would. They are no substitute for a child, but they certainly give me something to love, something to feel comforted by, something to laugh about and talk about...something needed. Those cats were the exact thing I needed and were by far the best Christmas present I could ever have gotten.

I think I've grown a lot this year. 27 years of wisdom may just be starting to peak through my girlish appearance. I'm excited by life, which is something not all people can say... So I consider myself lucky. And I consider my passion for the things I choose to undertake a gift.

My apologies for any grammatical issues or typos in this post... I'm on very little sleep and just returned home for the first time all day (it's 10:30 pm). I'm off to sleep away the last hours of my 26th year...and wake up a 27 year old woman. :)

Joella: Words of Promise

2011-10-10T10:08:00.000-04:00

This is something I wrote for my niece Joella. She's only 9 months old, but I want her to know growing up that she is loved, cherished, strong, beautiful, and able to do anything her little heart desires.

JOELLA: Words of Promise

You are a JOY,
Dancing with promise,
And leaping with shine.

Girl with a future,
Life lies before you
In purest design.

You are an OBSERVER,
Knowing and seeing,
Ready to go.

Girl with a future,
Life lies before you,
Waiting to show.

You are an EPIC,
New tale beginning,
Bursting with worth.

Girl with a future,
Life lies before you,
Your oyster since birth.

You are a LIGHT,
Shimmering sweetly,
Brilliant and bold.

Girl with a future,
Life lies before you,
A path paved with gold.

You are a LEARNER,
So special and new,
Leading your way.

Girl with a future,
Life lies before you,
A chapter a day.

You are an ADVENTURE,
Exciting and real,
Fun and unique.

Girl with a future,
Life lies before you,
So let your voice speak.

Let these words guide you,
One at a time,
And see all you are:

J oy
O bserver
E pic
L ight
L earner
A dventure

You are a beauty,
A valuable gem,
And you will go far.

Love,
Auntie A
(Arielle)

Delicious Karma

2011-10-01T09:27:00.001-04:00

So on my way to work this morning I thought I'd make my long work-filled Saturday better by getting myself a donut at Dunkin Donuts. I went through the drive-thru around 8:15 and ordered my coffee and a chocolate glazed. Almost immediately after paying I started wishing I'd gotten a Boston Cream instead.

I continued on my way to work. There was a Penn State student standing outside near a street, holding a can and raising money to fight cancer. I rolled down my window and gave him some money. Rolling up my window, I thought again, "Damn, I wish I'd gotten a Boston Cream. I don't feel like eating a chocolate glazed donut."

I continued on my way to the office, parked, and scrambled inside with all my stuff. I threw the Dunkin Donuts bag off to the side, sat at my desk, and sipped my coffee. After a half hour I remembered the bag and prepared to munch on my lackluster chocolate glazed donut. I reached inside and pulled out... a Boston Cream!

One person's mistake is another person's karma reward. The very donut I desired. How did they know? :)

Thanks, Karma. You were delicious.

I like it. All of it.

2011-09-05T22:16:00.001-04:00

I like life. I like the little things, the simple things, the real things. Family time, baby kisses, tea and coffee and chocolate, a look from my husband that lets me know he thinks I'm looking especially cute, a good book, a hot shower, a song that makes me feel emotional, a cat curled on my stomach, yoga pants with the bottoms rolled up, sun shining into the windows of my car while I drive down a road with corn growing in fields on either side, Project Runway and painting my nails, photos of kids laughing, hearing people tell me I've helped them get through another day, a comfy nap on the guest room bed because it's low enough for the kitties to climb up with me and sleep too, homemade dinner, a clean closet, magazines with the pages turned down to the clothes I'd like to wear, whistling and singing songs that feel good, movies alone just with myself, and love notes - the kind I write and the kind I receive.

Among other things.

You Know You're a Crazy Cat Lady When...

2011-08-04T11:57:00.000-04:00

...you have an idea for your Christmas photo cards that you can't wait to make your cats do...and it's only August.

From my handheld device...

2011-06-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

iPhones are beautiful creatures. That is all I have to say. I'm officially a member of the 21st century. :)

Cat Antics with Commentary via Rick's Notes :)

2011-06-25T18:12:00.001-04:00

You CAN Teach An Old Dog (or Bair) New Tricks

2011-06-22T21:16:00.002-04:00

True story:

Rick and I leave in the morning in our separate cars because we are going to two different places. I pass him on Catasauqua Road and as I do, I notice there is a large dent in the back of his car. I start to wonder if perhaps someone hit the back of his car while parking theirs... while pulling out from a tight squeeze on our street curb... or while parallel parking on our street curb. I know that Rick wouldn't have seen the big dent because of the way our neighbor's car is parked right behind him on our street when he gets in the car in the morning.

So, once I reach my destination, I call Rick at work on my cell phone, nervously telling him what I saw. There is a short pause and he says, "Yeah."

I say, "What?!"

He says matter-of-factly, "Yeah... someone hit me when I was in the Wegman's parking lot on Saturday. I just told them, 'It's okay. No big deal.' I'm going to take it to Kia and see if they can bang it out."

Shocked, I am speechless. I say, "What?...Well, that was very nice of you. Was their car all right?"

Rick says, "Yeah. They had a big SUV."

Again, I say, "That was very nice of you."

We say our "I love yous" and I hang up the phone kind of amazed. Is anyone else out there dropping their jaw in response to this tale of Rick Bair?

A few years ago, no one would ever have believed my husband could react this way to this kind of annoying incident, for which he was not at fault. And look at him now: Calm, cool, collected, and even kind. And he didn't even mention it to me when it happened (which is actually weird and funny).

Q: To what do I attribute this almost delightful response to being hit by a car in a grocery store parking lot?

A: The influence of a good woman. :) I dare say I may be rubbing off.

Father's Day

2011-06-19T23:51:00.000-04:00

I know what makes me comfortable
And I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream ~~and sugar~~ in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day, and pray to God
I won’t make the same mistakes

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Yeah I don’t know my father
~~Or my mother well enough~~
It seems like every time we talk
We can’t get past the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicted
I know it’s not good for my health
But it’s easier to please the world
Than it is to please myself

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Well I know I can’t care about how everyone else really feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

-LeAnn Rimes, "What I Cannot Change"

Album: Family

August 2008

Sums it up. Acceptance instead of conflict. Changing what's in my power and letting go what isn't.

Playing Dress Up... the Feline Way

2011-06-12T23:09:00.000-04:00

Bonjour! My name is Tumbler!

I am a boy, but I love to play dress up!

Quickly, Juice, help me put on this necklace.

Oo la la!

I so pretty. I am in touch with my feminine side.

No, Juice! Those are MY high heels!

I am so tall and pretty like my momma!

Disclaimer: Yes, I am insane. And yes, my cats are both very, very special and weird. This is what happens when a special needs male cat (Tumbler) and his sister, a little Princess with a capital P (Juice) decide they actually LIKE my accessories and ask me to dress them up so they can pose.

You've Heard of Cat in the Hat...

2011-06-05T21:45:00.000-04:00

but have you heard of Cat in the Bag?

Tumbler got in a beach bag.

He played peek-a-boo with me.

He hid and he snuggled.

He said, "Hi, momma."

But when I called him to come downstairs, he wouldn't leave the bag. So I picked the bag up with him in it, and carried him downstairs. He loved every minute of it.

When I set the bag down on the living room floor, he stayed right inside of it and made no attempt to move.

He just curled up and hung out.

And eventually, fell asleep inside the beach bag.

And so, my special needs kitty has found a new play-thing and inanimate-object-of-affection to snuggle and love in a way I have never seen.

Really Weird Night

2011-06-02T23:02:00.001-04:00

I sat in 3 hour grad class tonight with my contacts hurting my eyes. At the 5 minute break, I decided to take them out and put on my glasses. I then discovered that I had a contact case, but no contact solution. Just as I considered tossing them in the trash (they are 2 week disposables, but their 2 weeks weren't up yet), I discovered I didn't even have my glasses in my purse (they are ALWAYS with me), so I was forced to stick with the painful contacts.

Watched a (rather sobering) film about adult children being caregivers for their elderly parents (Gerontology social work course).

I left grad class at 9:15 PM, as we were let out 15 minutes early. Stopped in the bathroom and saw that my eyes were red from the evil contacts, but without glasses I had no choice but to wear them home because I can't see to drive without contacts or glasses.

With the contacts attacking my eyes, I started driving down Rt. 378. There was a HUGE accident with about a million authorities present (fire police, regular police, ambulances, etc.). After waiting for several minutes in stopped traffic hoping to eventually be directed to pass once things got more under control, the cops motioned everyone to TURN AROUND & just closed the entire main road.

I don't know another way to get home and the university's kind of in the middle of nowhere-ish. Plugged in my GPS. It would not turn on. AT ALL. After many tries.So I called my parents (so as not to wake up my dear sleeping hub, as it was already almost 10 PM) 'cause I'm an anxiety-ridden goober like that when it comes to driving in the pitch dark of night (or let's face it, at all really).

And they directed their 26 year old daughter home. With her contacts still attacking her eyes. Just before her cell phone ran out of battery (Phew! So close!).

Arrived home at 10:30 PM. And to repay them for assisting me in my ridiculously late, directionally-challenged, and nervous endeavor... I promised them I'd take care of them when they are old.

The End :)

Dreaming of a Different Future

2011-06-01T22:22:00.000-04:00

Regular couples may plan decades and decades into a vast future. Age-gap couples dream.

On Sunday afternoon, Rick and I went on a romantic little picnic, just the two of us. We spread out four towels to make a big square and got away for a few hours.

While we lay on the grass in the hot sun, Rick said softly and seriously:

"I was thinking that when I die, I'll wait for you. And that way when you die, we can come back together and be born at the same time... and know each other in our childhoods... and grow up together... and be high school sweethearts... and get married... and have a whole family. And then we'll get a whole lifetime together."

I teared up.

He kept talking. "And I wouldn't get the pain [he has serious, chronic fibromyalgia] and be in pain all the time. And we could do everything we wanted."

I started playing into the fantasy. "And I wouldn't ever have an eating disorder."

Rick reiterated, "We'll have a whole lifetime instead of just a few years."

I said, "You'll have a long time to wait for me again," referring to his years of solitude before I was old enough to come along. "And I'll have to wait a long time without you." I might live 30, 40, even 50 years without him in the later part of my life.

Rick said with a smile, "That's okay - I'll enjoy being in bliss," which is what he calls the non-existence after death, "so I won't mind."

We decided that he'd wait for me 'til I died, then we'd come back together and share and learn everything together from the start, get married, have a family, have grandchildren, and grow old together - without the unfortunate circumstances of this life.

Most people would find this silly or morbid or both. We just feel like the stars didn't align quite right and my soul mate turned out to be twice my age. We're grateful and happy - what we call "a few" years could be as much as 20 or 30, but somehow, when you want to grow old with someone, it doesn't seem like enough.

Solicitation :)

2011-04-21T15:20:00.000-04:00

I've neglected this bloggie for a while. So much going on in life - work, grad school, eating disorder self-help/motivational/recovery commitments, family, etc. etc. etc.

And unfortunately this post won't be overly exciting. But PLEASE - read on.

Last year I participated in an event called the Highmark Walk for a Healthy Community. Local organizations opt to participate and raise money for their cause. Highmark underwrites the costs and 100% of the proceeds go to the cause for which each individual team walks. I posted about the event last year around this time, and some of you generously donated.

This year, I am the Team Captain of the Unconditional Child Care Team and I am excited to participate in the 2011 Highmark Walk for a Healthy Community. I'd like to tell you a little about the cause, because it's little-known and rather important.

Child Care Information Services, Inc. is a private, non-profit agency that originated and operates the Unconditional Child Care (UCC) program, the only program of its kind in Pennsylvania. I am a Caseworker for this great agency and am proud to support my UCC co-workers.
The UCC program provides support and intervention for young children who have challenging behaviors in their child care programs. These children may have learning issues, behavioral issues, diagnosable mental health issues like autism, etc. A wraparound team approach is used to develop intervention plans that keep children in safe child care settings through connecting families with community resources, strengthening parenting skills, providing training for child care staff and ultimately resolving the challenging behaviors.

Without this service (purely non-profit, hence the need to solicit donations), these kids get passed around from day care center to day care center, or kicked out all together (due to the centers not being able to deal with the challenging issues). The children may think they are "bad" or "unwanted" and the parents may feel this way too. It's hard to have your child kicked out for reasons you can't control and wish you could. Furthermore, it presents a very real problem: how can you work if no one will watch your child due to his/her behavioral issues?

Please consider contributing to this very worthy cause. Last year we participated in the Walk with great success. We had more than 130 walkers and raised more than $6,000. 100% of the money raised goes directly to support UCC. Through teamwork and support, we can all help children of the Lehigh Valley (PA).
As Team Captain this year, I'm really trying hard to raise money and hopes. Thank you to everyone who has already helped me, and to those of you who are able to donate, please consider supporting me in this endeavor. You can read about the cause and make a donation directly online here on my pledge page: http://ccisinc.dojiggy.com/arielleleebair

It's amazingly easy and I'll love you forever. :)

Okay - end of solicitation. You may resume your day!

Tale of Two Bobbies

2011-03-12T15:53:00.000-05:00

One of my co-workers clued me in to this adorable children's book. Unfortunately for me, I have no children to read it to, but that probably won't stop me from buying it. The book, Two Bobbies: A True Story of Hurricane Katrina, Friendship, and Survival, just looks so precious. This dog and cat cared for each other in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. For four months they lived on the streets of chaos and destruction. Neither of them had tails, and when they were finally rescued by a shelter, the were called Bobbi Dog and Bob Cat, because of their bobbed tails. The shelter separated them - you know, a cat to go with the cats and a dog to go with the dogs, but neither tolerated that very well at all, so they put them back together. And they discovered that the cat was actually blind. The dog had been his seeing-eye dog for four months, as they trekked together through unknown territory.

Their original owners were never found, but they were adopted together.You can check out their website here. I just wanted to share, because it's just amazing and cute!

There is also quite a precious (very short) video about the story and a real life photo of dog and cat. :)

Tumbler's Lullaby

2011-02-20T18:50:00.000-05:00

My "special" kitten, Tumbler, is like no other. I have determined that he has a bedtime, unlike normal cats. He has a little routine of which I am now a part. He LOVES socks. He doesn't play with them like your average cat - he just loves to snuggle them and feel them for comfort. So, we have a new bedtime ritual. And we would like to show you.

A Lesson In Facts

2011-02-06T11:57:00.000-05:00

What I like to call my "After School Special" Public Service Announcement. Haha. :) But seriously, it's short, it's sweet, and it's the truth. You can find more motivational speaking and eating disorder related stuff I do by visiting Actively Arielle: A Voice with a Commitment.

The Bond... of James Bond?

2011-02-03T21:30:00.002-05:00

What is it with men and James Bond? Is there some small piece of a man's DNA that predisposes him to adore James Bond? Perhaps it is a requirement of manhood? Maybe it's just some little-known secret with an explanation only available to those of us who are not females of this species...

Whatever the reason, I have come to understand that something about the Bond movies is...sacred. That might not be exactly the right word, but it's close. There is some element of hero worship going on with men and James Bond. I have heard that Roger Moore was arguably the "best" James Bond - but all my research of the male species has proven that the hero worship I speak of relates most specifically to Sean Connery's portrayal of 007.

Now, I have nothing against Sean Connery - in fact, he's quite a handsome guy back in the day, and a damn good actor too. It's this utter...awe...regarding the character of James Bond I fail to completely understand.

I began (re)thinking about this a few days ago when my husband informed me rather sheepishly, "I taped Thunderball last night." It was on one of the movie channels and he used the DVR to record it. He informed me of his act because it meant that he taped it for us to watch. I am quite certain he's seen the movie numerous times, so by taping it for me to watch with him, he was doing what many men seem to find necessary: educate me in some way by having me view James Bond.

So we sat down to watch it the other night. The credits began. Those of you out there who have lovingly watched this film or have been forced to watch it by a mate will know how it begins. The silhouettes of what appear to be naked or near-naked women swim and float across a colorful water-filled screen. Keep in mind this film is from 1965. Well, Rick gaped with pleasure at the screen and then turned to me and said, and I quote, "You have no idea how erotic this was when I was a kid and we watched this. This was so exciting when I was like 11."

I honestly couldn't help but smile. I could just picture him (and many men like him) as a kid loving the hell out of this movie. I had to hear several other bits of past enthrallment as we watched.

The next day, Rick informed me that he had taped Dr. No and To Russia with Love. I knew I was in for a long week of Bond. It became clear to me that James Bond is an American (British? haha) institution. Bond is not just a man. He is something much more.

I had to hear about Ursula Andress and her white bikini - and how she was the most amazing thing in life when Rick first watched Dr. No. I had to hear it discussed in such a reverent manner that I actually for a moment considered GETTING a white bikini.

For me, my biggest hang-up with the Bond movies was always that he had a different chick in every film. It didn't sit well with me in my fairy tale, little girl world growing up. I wanted romance and true love, not just passion and sex. But then again, I'm not a man.

I guess James Bond is cool enough and smart enough to be an ass and get away with it. And men like that. It appeals to them. And, watching these movies at 26 instead of 16, I guess I get that too. I always go for the smart-ass types - the scoundrals who always have the right stuff going on in their brains. I always love the Han Solos, the Sawyers (from LOST), etc.

Bond's grown on me a little.

But I still don't think I will ever understand the deep love men have for 007. maybe it's just one of those mysteries women will never understand. Anyone care to enlighten me?

A Tale of Two Kittens

2011-01-25T21:34:00.001-05:00

Adopted from a shelter in December, this dynamic brother/sister duo sure is unique! Some stories, some video footage, and of course, some photos of my sweet little kittens.

Good Things

2011-01-25T21:31:00.000-05:00

Some good things have been happening in the last few days.

My kittens have a good new vet!

I am an aunt of a beautiful little girl named Joella Colleen Becker!

Grad classes are going well!

My group has a few new members!

I hit over 600 subscribers on YouTube!

The recovery collab I make Wednesday videos for hit over 1,000 subscribers on YouTube!

I'm kind of tired ...and really busy ...and hate shoveling all this snow ...and miss my faraway friends ...and Juice still has a sick eye ...and I have to start planning for fieldwork for grad school already (!) BUT the good stuff outweighs all that and the days keep rollin' on. :)

Another Year, Another Chance

2011-01-03T21:35:00.000-05:00

2011 will be a year of:

more graduate school

my first ever niece!

5 straight years at CCIS (my job)

3 years of marriage (only 3.5 months away!)

4 years of this blog! (come May)

turning 27 (though not 'til October)

3 years of leading the support group I started (come July)

4 years in our house (May)

and hopefully many happy memories I can't even realize yet.

Last year's resolutions and post are here.

Time to revisit.

~~-Start each day with the phrase "It's a great day." No kidding - I set my phone alarm to tell me that every morning.~~
~~-Focus on finding serenity and calm each day, even when things are hectic or I'm feeling anxious.~~
~~-Be cleaner (in reference to my house). Well, I made progress last year, but I'd like to be better! I'm don't let my house get dirty, but I'm a clutter nut.~~
~~-Read more books. I read a ton the latter half of 2009, but not as many as I'd have liked to for the whole year, so I have a biiiiig list of what to read this coming year.~~ ~~I'm already on my third book of 2010!~~

I accomplished everything this past year. I feel good. My new cell phone alarm is set to tell me "You can get through anything" every single morning. :)
I do believe I became calmer in 2010, though I have a long way to go.
I made progress with clutter, but there is certainly room for improvement!
And I read 17 books in 2010, which is pretty damn good considering that's more than a book a month and I was Matron of Honor in a wedding with numerous wedding duties AND in grad school from August onward.

This year's hopes?
-Read more books (yes, again).
-Actually SAVE some damn money.
-Do yoga (at home where it will cost me nothing!).
-Embrace what life gives me, even if I want more.
-Do more public/motivational speaking.
-Oh yeah, and be cleaner - my continuing goal since 2007. ;)

Christmas Kittens

2010-12-22T22:47:00.001-05:00

I dropped the ball with my "Song a Day 'Til Christmas" bit, but I have two good reasons. And here they are:

I'll tell you the story.

I have been begging for a kitten for weeks. I thought I was allergic my whole life. I was told by co-workers that you can be allergic to some cats, but not all. The seed was planted. I've been longing for a pet for far too long. I asked Rick. He said no. Repeat that about 18 times and you come to the day I he called up to my office at work and asked, "Are you going to Giant?"

I said, "Yes."

He said, "Will you get some almonds?"

And I said, "Yeah, and can I also get a kitten?"

To my utter surprise, he said, "Yeah, what the hell."

I said, "What?! Really?"

And he said, "Yeah. I'm not gonna win this one anyway."

And thus, it came time for Arielle to have a pet. (At last!)

I wanted to rescue a kitty from a shelter, and Rick would have been happy to wait until after the holidays to get me my Christmas kitten, but I cajoled. And on Sunday, we went to the Northampton County ASPCA in Easton to get a kitten.

Well, kitten season is over. So there was slim pickings. I didn't have my heart set on a kitten - I just wanted a cat to love. But Rick wanted a kitten so we'd have it from the beginning. Well, the first kitty I loved was a 7 month old kitten. After snuggling him and seeing how affectionate he was, I found out he has cerebellar hypoplasia, which basically means he has terrible balance and sometimes has tremors. He wobbles when he walks and falls down. He can't really climb stairs. We were going to take his sister, Juice (also named later by us) but I couldn't separate them. They slept together in the same cage since birth and loved each other so much. She technically has the same condition he does, but you'd never know. She doesn't show signs of it at all. It's just kind of a "we have to tell you because it's on her medical record," thing.

Rick let me get both kittens. They were so happy to stay together. Rick did grumble about how of all the cats, I would pick a cat who can't walk without falling down, but I love him so much. He just needs love too. Rick went on and on about our special needs cat for a day, but he loves Tumbler too (the obvious and appropriate name) and even feeds him his medicine (he has an upper respiratory infection right now) with a liquid dropper.

Juice (named for her coloring - she reminded us of a creamsicle, but we couldn't name her THAT...we said she looked like orange juice, but calling her OJ made her sound like a boy, so we named her Juice...It just seemed to fit) is such a good, loving girl. And so protective of her brother. She helps him a lot and encourages him. They play so well together. Poor little Tumbler would have been left at the shelter forever if we hadn't adopted him.

[my little Tumbler boy]

[Juice, my happy little kitty]

[Me in my pjs with Tumbler]

[Juice and her momma after a hard day]

[As you can see, we have a big cushion for Tumbler at the bottom of the stairs so if he falls while climbing, he's protected. He doesn't try often 'cause it's hard for him, but sometimes he gets feeling brave.]

I know they look big in the photos, but they just reached 6 lbs.

I love my little guys. They are so sweet and happy in their new home!
Oh, and I'm convinced that I either outgrew my cat allergy or my parents made it up all along so I wouldn't beg for a pet as a kid (which I did anyway). I'm completely fine and dandy.

We Find Ourselves Again On Christmas Day

2010-12-16T18:06:00.001-05:00

This one's from The Polar Express (the film), based on the wonderful children's book of the same name. Josh Groban sings this song and I love it. It reminds me of being a child, feeling the magic of Christmas Eve, playing in the snow, and believing in special things.

Children, sleeping.
Snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling,
Like bells in the distance.
We were dreamers,
Not so long ago.
But one by one, we
All had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away...
We find it all again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
Give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just believe.

Trains move quickly
To their journey's end.
Destinations...
Are where we begin again.
Ships go sailing,
Far across the sea.
Trusting starlight,
To get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way...
We find ourselves again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just Believe.

If you just believe.
If you just believe.
If you just believe...just believe...just believe.
(c) Glen Ballard & Alan Silvestri 2005 "Believe"

9 days 'til Christmas!

Lighten My Darkness

2010-12-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl, I listened to this song on my parents' stereo and loved the story-telling aspect of it. It's a beautiful song. The lyrics are great, but you have to HEAR it to get the full effect. I love Amy Grant's voice and I love that this song is different from many other Christmas songs. Amy Grant's husband, Vince Gill (whom I also really love) sings a version of this song too - and instead of singing "chosen me now to carry your son," he sings "chosen my love to carry your son" and does the song from Joseph's point of view instead of Mary's.

I have traveled
Many moonless night
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For your holy Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For your holy Breath of Heaven
(c) Amy Grant & Chris Eaton 1992 "Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)"

10 days 'til Christmas!

We Can Spread a Smile of Joy!

2010-12-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know this song gets overplayed at Christmas time, but I like it nonetheless. We all know Band Aid sings it and it was created to raise money for relief of famine in Ethiopia. If I'm in a really sappy mood I kind of even get choked up at certain parts. I like the message. And I like the melody.

I try to give to others at Christmas time. I don't have a lot of money, but it's something I feel strongly about. I also get kind of mad at myself from time to time for thinking about it only DURING the holidays. I mean, people are in need all year long, right? I LOVE making someone happy. I would much rather give a gift than get one. I really mean that.

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy!
Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time

But say a prayer - pray for the other ones
At Christmas time

It's hard, but when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window

And it's a world of dreaded fear
Where the only water flowing is a bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

Where nothing ever grows
No rain or rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Here's to you
Raise your glass for everyone
Here's to them
Underneath that burning sun

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Feed the world
Feed the world
Feed the world
Let them know it's christmas time and
Feed the world
Let them know it's christmas time and
Feed the world
Let them know it's christmas time and
Feed the world
Let them know it's christmas time and
Feed the world
Let them know it's christmas time and
Feed the world
Let them know it's christmas time
(c) Bob Geldof and Midge Ure 1984 "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

11 days 'til Christmas! :)

I Pray My Wish Will Come True

2010-12-13T22:29:00.000-05:00

This song always feels so much more calming than the original Little Drummer Boy. A huge plus is that I love both Bing Crosby and David Bowie, the ones who sing it. Though Little Drummer Boy was written much earlier, this version, with the added "Peace on Earth" lyrics was created in 1977 for a TV special. It was written in 75 minutes because David Bowie did not like the original Little Drummer Boy. Bing and David rehearsed for one hour only and then sang this on the TV special, Bing singing the original lyrics and David singing the new ones in a round/harmony type style. Bing Crosby actually died a month later. I have to say, I rather like the newer lyrics better too. :)

Come they told me pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
A new-born king to see pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Our finest gifts we bring pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum

Come they told me pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
A new-born king to see pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Our finest gifts we bring pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
to lay before the king pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum
so to honour him pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
when we come

Little baby pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
I stood beside him there pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
I played my drum for him pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
I played my best for him pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum
And he smiled at me pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
me and my drum

Peace on Earth, can it be
Years from now, perhaps we'll see
See the day of glory
See the day, when men of good will
Live in peace, live in peace again

Peace on Earth, can it be
Every child must be made aware
Every child must be made to care
Care enough for his fellow man
To give all the love that he can

I pray my wish will come true
For my child and your child too
He'll see the day of glory
See the day when men of good will
Live in peace, live in peace again

Peace on Earth, can it be
Can it be
(c) Ian Fraser, Larry Grossman, Buz Kohan 1977 "Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth"/Katherine K. Davis, Henry Onorati and Harry Simeone "Little Drummer Boy" 1958

12 days 'til Christmas!

Have a Cup of Cheer!

2010-12-11T22:00:00.001-05:00

This is a Christmas staple, and a little known fact is that the guy who wrote this song was actually Jewish. Not only did he write this one, he also wrote "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." Funny. Everyone loves a little bit of Christmas, I guess. :) Burl Ives singing this song never gets old to me. Rick thinks it's a stupid song, but I don't think I'm going to get tired of it any time soon.

Have a holly jolly Christmas
It's the best time of the year
Well I don't know if there'll be snow
But have a cup of cheer

Have a holly jolly Christmas
And when you walk down the street
Say hello to friends you know
And everyone you meet

Ho ho the mistletoe
Hung where you can see
Somebody waits for you
Kiss her once for me

Have a holly jolly Christmas
And in case you didn't hear
Oh bygolly have a holly jolly Christmas
This year

Have a holly jolly Christmas
And when you walk down the street
Say hello to friends you know
And everyone you meet

Have a holly jolly Christmas
And in case you didn't hear
Oh by golly have a holly jolly Christmas
This year
(c) Johnny Marks 1965 "Holly Jolly Christmas"

14 days 'til Christmas!

For the Holidays, You Can't Beat Home Sweet Home

2010-12-10T22:00:00.001-05:00

Another classic, this one was one of my favorites as a kid. I always liked the part where Perry Como sang, "I met a man who lived in Tennessee, He was headin' for Pennsylvania and some home made pumpkin pie," because I live in Pennsylvania. I also thought, because of that lyric, that only people in Pennsylvania had home made pumpkin pie and everyone in all the other states ate the stuff that wasn't real. :) Nonetheless, I still like the song.

Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays,
‘Cause no matter how far away you roam,
When you pine for the sunshine of a friendly gaze,
For the holidays, you can’t beat home, sweet home.

I met a man who lives in Tennessee,
He was headin’ for
Pennsylvania, and some home made pumpkin pie.
From Pennsylvania, folks are travelin’
Down to Dixie’s sunny shore,
From Atlantic to Pacific,
Gee, the traffic is terrific.

Oh there's no place like home for the holidays,
‘Cause no matter how far away you roam,
If you want to be happy in a million ways,
For the holidays,
You can’t beat home, sweet home.

Take a bus, take a train
Go and hop an aeroplane
Put the wife and kiddies in the family car
For the pleasure that you bring
When you make that doorbell ring
No trip could be too far

I met a man who lives in Tennessee,
He was headin’ for
Pennsylvania, and some home made pumpkin pie.
From Pennsylvania, folks are travelin’
Down to Dixie’s sunny shore,
From Atlantic to Pacific,
Gee, the traffic is terrific.

Oh there's no place like home for the holidays,
‘Cause no matter how far away you roam,
If you want to be happy in a million ways,
For the holidays,
You can’t beat home, sweet home.
For the holidays,
You can’t beat home, sweet home.
(c) Al Stillman 1954 "Home for the Holidays"

15 days 'til Christmas!

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas...

2010-12-09T22:39:00.001-05:00

This one always reminds me of the 1950s, which I suppose is fitting since that's when it was written. I just hear that second line - "Take a look in the Five and Ten, glistening once again..." and it obviously has that old-fashioned feel. I used to feel like the Christmas season officially started once I heard this song.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look in the Five and Ten, glistening once again
With candy canes and silver lanes aglow.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Toys in ev'ry store
But the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be
On your own front door.

A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots
Is the wish of Barney and Ben;
Dolls that will talk and will go for a walk
Is the hope of Janice and Jen;

And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
There's a tree in the Grand Hotel, one in the park as well,
The sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas;
Soon the bells will start,
And the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing
Right within your heart
(c) Meredith Wilson 1951 "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas"

I sing a carol in my heart. :)
16 days 'til Christmas!

Let Your Heart Be Light

2010-12-07T16:27:00.000-05:00

I love this song primarily because of the film for which it was written - Meet Me In St. Louis with Judy Garland. And in case you never knew that, or have never seen it, you should check it out. I also love the song because it's basically saying "don't worry, hang in there, things will get better." And who doesn't need to hear that when they're a bit down?

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

(c) Hugh Martin & Ralph Blane "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" 1944

18 days 'til Christmas!

"Just Be Happy To Be Here."

2010-12-06T22:23:00.001-05:00

I need to break into my "A Song A Day 'Til Christmas" posts to tell a story.

I had been feeling sorry for myself. I had also been complaining. And focusing lots of energy on being anxious/upset/angry.

In the past week, our hot water heater broke. We got it "fixed," but it broke again. We got it "fixed" a second time, but it broke again. My anger began. Multiple days off were "ruined," as I deemed them, with waiting for repair men. Cold showers were taken, as well as showers at my parents' house, all interfering with my "important" plans. My anger continued.

Today, when the water heater repair company finally called us back (we had called on Saturday) and told us we needed a new water heater, my anger continued, and my anxiety escalated, matching my "upsetness." I was thinking about all the money the previous 2 service visits would cost us. I was thinking about the cost of a new water heater (around $800) not including installation. I was thinking about the days off Rick and I no longer have to sit around and wait for one to be installed. I was thinking about how our current water heater is only at the most 6 years old (our house was built in 2004) and wondering how we could possibly need a new water heater already. I was thinking about how this is the last thing we need at Christmas time and about how we don't have the money for this problem. I was thinking about how my trip to CT will be ruined because I most likely will have to wait home on Friday for a water heater to be installed and I didn't want to drive in the dark or horrible traffic.

In the midst of all this, because of the anger/anxiety/"upsetness," Rick and I were arguing. Because I was crying. And complaining. And worrying. ...When none of it does any good, as he is always quick to point out. But it's something I haven't quite learned yet in my 26 years. The arguing escalated my emotions further.

And in the midst of all this, I was writing two papers (which are still not finished). One of them was making me exceedingly more anxious. I hated it, because I felt I wasn't doing a good job. I was nervous, wondering whether or not I was doing it correctly. I emailed my professor to ask a question and got a one sentence reply with no answer to my question, which only made me second guess myself further. Which only made me more anxious and cry some more.

Yes, I have my period.

And yes, my GPA does actually count even though it's a graduate degree, because in order to stay in the program you need to have a 3.0 or higher. I have As so far in both my courses, but with this one paper being 40% of my final grade, I was letting my nerves get the best of me.

So I was mad. And anxious. And upset. A day off felt wasted because even though I sat at home and worked on papers, the repair men didn't even call us back until noon, let alone come while we were home. A seriously costly necessity looms above us. A final paper weighs on me. And bigger than all that, my desperate longing to have a child with whom to share the holidays kind of deepens any kind of sorrow when I get myself going.

And right before I went to class, my husband sent me an email. Yes, an email, even though we live together and he was in the same house when I read it. The gist of it was: "Don't think about all those things you fear. Just be glad to be here." I cried again while I read it, because that's the mess I was today. And I figuratively tucked the lesson in my pocket and went to class.

And in class, we watched a film about homeless people. Specifically, homeless people during the holidays. Specifically children. Specifically a man without any legs who rolls himself around on a stretcher-looking-thing and has an AMAZINGLY positive attitude about life. He doesn't have enough to eat. He doesn't have anywhere to live. He is freezing and can't walk and might get beat up at night, or have things stolen from him, but when he wakes up each day he is happy. Because he is alive. And that is the best thing anyone can be.

Well, since it was my theme today, I cried again.

And so did about half of my class, comprised of 13 women, several of whom were also probably on their periods. But that's not the point.

Rick's email came back to me. "Just be glad to be here." And I am. More than ever. I have people who love me. A house I love. A Christmas tree in my living room. Enough food to eat and water to drink. PRESENTS under that Christmas tree. A TV, a computer, a cell phone. Heat. A car to drive in to see my best friend on Friday. A job to help pay the bills.

Some people are sleeping on streets, or in abandoned buildings with rats at freezing temperatures. Some people have missing teeth because they can't afford a toothbrush or toothpaste or food to nourish themselves, let alone a visit to the dentist. Me, I have a toothpaste and hairspray and soap and a freaking flatiron to straighten my stupid hair.

"Just be glad to be here." What a lesson I have learned today.

A Star, A Star, Dancing in the Night...

2010-12-05T23:00:00.000-05:00

When I was in elementary school, our music teacher taught us this song in 1st or 2nd grade and before that, I had never heard it (or remembered it). I was immediately enthralled. It has that haunting kind of Christmas-y feel to it. This is one of those few Christmas songs I can actually stomach hearing 4 or 5 times a day, unlike some others.

I am particularly liking the new Carrie Underwood version this year, but there are so many other good versions as well - Vanessa Williams, Bing Crosby, the list goes on...

Said the night wind to the little lamb
Do you see what I see
Way up in the sky little lamb
Do you see what I see
A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy
Do you hear what I hear
(Do You Hear What I Hear)
Ringing through the sky shepherd boy
Do you hear what I hear
(Do hear What i hear)
A song, a song
High above the trees
With a voice as big as the sea
With a voice as big as the sea

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king
Do you know what I know
(Do You Know What I Know)

In your palace wall mighty king
Do you know what I know
(Do You Know What I Know)
A child, a child
Shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold

Said the king to the people everywhere
Listen to what I say
( Listen to what I say)
Pray for peace people everywhere
Listen to what I say
(Listen to what I Say)
The child, the child
Sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light

He will bring us goodness and light
(c) 1962 "Do You Hear What I Hear? - Noel Regney

20 days 'til Christmas!

I Can Make Believe I've Never Gone...

2010-12-04T21:54:00.000-05:00

This song always reminds me what Christmas is all about for me - family and friends. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this song in the car while driving home alone in the dark during December and teared up.

Home for the holidays
I believe I’ve missed each and every face
Come on and play one easy
Let’s turn on every love light in the place
It’s time I found myself totally surrounded in your circles
Oh, my friends

Please, celebrate me home
Give me a number
Please, celebrate me home
Play me one more song that I’ll always remember
That I can recall whenever I find myself too all alone
I can sing me home.

Uneasy highway
Traveling where the westerly winds can fly
Somebody tried to tell me
But the man forgot to tell me why
I gotta count on being gone
Come on momma, come on daddy
And please, what do you want from me
I’ll be strong, I’ll be weak

Please, celebrate me home
Give me a number
Please, celebrate me home
Play me one more song that I’ll always remember
That I can recall whenever I find myself too all alone
I can make believe I've never gone
Let me, let me know where I belong
Sing me home

Please, celebrate me home
Give me a number
Please, celebrate me home
Play me one more song, y’all

Celebrate, celebrate
Celebrate, celebrate
Celebrate, celebrate
Celebrate me home

Please, celebrate me home
Please, celebrate me home

Well I’m finally here,
But I’m bound to roam,
Come on, celebrate me home

Well I’m finally here,
But I’m bound to roam,
Come on, celebrate me home

Well I’m finally here,
But I’m bound to roam,
Come on, celebrate me home

Please, celebrate me home
Please, celebrate me home
Please, celebrate me home
Please, celebrate me home
Please, celebrate me home
(c) Kenny Loggins "Celebrate Me Home" 1976

21 days 'til Christmas!

May Your Days Be Merry & Bright

2010-12-03T23:00:00.001-05:00

This one is a classic and undoubtedly reminds me of one of my favorite Christmas movies with the same name as the song - White Christmas. I love Bing Crosby's voice. And it's really such a simple song.

When I was a kid, I LOVED the film White Christmas with Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, and Vera-Ellen. I used to put on my dance leotard or even my one piece bathing suit and some colorful tights and pretend to do the dance numbers from the musical while singing the songs. One example:

[age 6 - please notice my pink & white underwear peeking out from beneath my black leotard - and yes, that is a red legwarmer I'm wearing]

And once, when I was in 1st grade, my mom and I sang a duet for my elementary school's talent show. What did we sing? The song Sisters (that the sister characters played by Rosemary and Vera-Ellen sing) from White Christmas.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten,
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

(c) 1942 Irving Berlin "White Christmas"

22 days 'til Christmas!

Maybe Only In Our Blind Belief Can We Ever Find the Truth...

2010-12-02T21:50:00.002-05:00

A song a day 'til Christmas...day 2...

I always associate this song with lying on the couch at my parents house as a child, smelling Christmas smells, dreaming of both the past and the future, and looking at our Christmas tree. It has to be the Amy Grant version. No other version will do.

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee;
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies.

Well, I'm all grown-up now,
And still need help somehow.

I'm not a child,
But my heart still can dream.

So here's my lifelong wish,
My grown-up Christmas list.
Not for myself,
But for a world in need.

No more lives torn apart,
And wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up Christmas list.

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree.

Well heaven surely knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul.

No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up Christmas list.

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth.

There'd be...

No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end,

This is my grown-up Christmas list.

(c) "Grown-Up Christmas List" Linda Thompson-Jenner 1990; Amy Grant 1992

A Song a Day 'til Christmas

2010-12-01T22:59:00.001-05:00

Call me crazy, but this is one of my favorite songs.

When I hear it, I really listen every single time.

I don't know what it is.

Met my old lover in a grocery store
The snow was falling Christmas Eve
Stole behind her in the frozen foods
and I touched her on the sleeve
She didn't recognize the face at first
but then her eyes flew open wide

She tried to hug me and she spilled her purse
and we laughed until we cried

We took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totaled up and bagged

We stood there lost in our embarrassment
as the conversation dragged
Went to have ourselves a drink or two
but couldn't find an open bar
Bought a six-pack at the liquor store
and we drank it in her car
We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now
Tried to reach beyond the emptiness but neither one knew how
She said she'd married her an architect

Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
but she didn't like to lie
I said the years had been a friend to her
and that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I saw doubt or gratitude
She said she saw me in the record stores
and that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
but the traveling was hell
We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to time

Re-living in our eloquence, another "auld lang syne"
The beers were empty and our tongues were tired
and running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
and I watched her drive away
Just for a moment I was back in school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
the snow turned into rain --

(c) Dan Fogelberg "Same Auld Lang Syne" 1980

I enjoy the symbolism and the emotion. It's really a lovely,

sad song. I suggest you listen to it to get the full effect.

And I read it's completely autobiographical as well.

You can Google "Dan Fogelberg Same Auld Lang Syne"

and you'll see.

24 days 'til Christmas...

Goodbye November, Hello December

2010-11-30T23:02:00.000-05:00

My tree is lit. My hopes are high. I love Christmas.

I have to admit I have been listening to Christmas songs since mid November. Don't laugh (or scoff) - I already know I'm crazy. But hey - I figure if the local radio station was already playing them non-stop, I am not the only one who was listening!

I can't believe it's December already. I can't believe 2010 is coming to a close. Where do these years go?

The holidays make me want a child even more. I am so sad when I think of all the fun and creative things I'd like to do with a child of my own. I have to settle for being a child at heart and enjoying everything myself. Soon I'll have a little niece to love and do holiday things with. I hope it fills that empty space in my heart just a little.

My first semester of graduate school is coming to and end. I have to say, as hectic and work overloaded as it was, it did go by quickly! I am really loving this new chapter in my life and have met so many great people through my MSW program.

I am inspired constantly when I sit in class and dream about what I can accomplish once I have these 60 crazy credits under my belt and my license to back me up.

'Til then, I'm just a woman working, playing, helping, loving, and of course - writing.

25 days 'til Christmas! Get singing! :)

ALB in her LBD

2010-11-08T23:04:00.002-05:00

Before Dana's wedding this weekend, Rick snapped my picture in the hotel room.

Sleepless in Northampton

2010-11-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

Last night I messed around with YouTube and my blogs - creating backgrounds, adding stupid little gadgets, and generally trying to make myself tired.Well, that's not exactly true. I was already tired, but I was trying to make myself sleepy enough to go to bed.

I got in bed at 11:30. I got out of bed at midnight. I went back to my computer. And I stayed up until 1:30 AM day (night?) dreaming and writing and pondering. And when I got back in bed I still didn't fall right to sleep.

Here I am again. I need to write a paper. Well, 2 actually. But I'm in that state where I'm too tired to be truly productive and too awake to go to sleep. This leads me to anxiety over the amount of schoolwork I need to do. I begin to worry. I screw around on Facebook and YouTube and my blogs. I read emails. I respond. I internet stalk people. I get all introspective. And then I remember - oh hey you have all these papers to write and you are wasting valuable time and why are you blogging when tomorrow you will panic all day about not having enough time to devote to school? ahhh.

I can't sleep. So I'll post some photos.

[me with my pumpkin on Halloween before the kiddies came around trick-or-treating]

[Mr. Pumpkin all lit up. I don't have a lot of free time, guys, so my handiwork wasn't anything special this year.]

[My mother. Yes. You may recall that each year my mom comes to my door dressed as a trick-or-treater and tries to scare me. If you haven't heard the stories, check it out here. It all started in 2007 when my mom scared the crap out of me. This is now my 4th Halloween in my own house and she is still at it. But now, I'm on the lookout for her. She tries to change it up each year with her costume/voice/timing.]

Wedding Season Has Ended!

2010-11-07T14:03:00.000-05:00

Well, it's over...for now. The weddings in my life (those in which I participated as an attendant or a guest) are now actual marriages and I am done for a while. My focus turns to grad school (well, more so anyway) and trying to prepare for the holidays.

I usually make a bunch of Christmas gifts for family members - big gifts that are pieces of art or something else equally creative) and smaller gifts like homemade candy - but this year I just don't have the time. Between work, leading group, going to school, and writing papers, I'm spread a little thin. Thankfully, classes end after the first week of December, which should give me a little time to recover and enjoy, but I don't think I'll have the time I usually do to devote to my gift giving.

And since I don't have the money either, this presents a dilemma. Always the anti-procrastinator, I began my Christmas list of those I have to buy for and started jotting down ideas. I have a few creations (easier than in the past due to lack of time) up my sleeve, but am at a loss for several other people.

I LOVE Christmas, so for me, it's not too early to think about this stuff - but I hope it will be less of a stress than I fear!

Hopefully now that wedding season is over (as of this weekend) I can go back to blogging here more regularly. My far more popular self-help blog is usually my priority over this personal one of my every day tales and chit-chat, but it's much more so an outlet.

Wedding season = over. Holiday season = just begun!

Dream On, Dream On

2010-10-22T10:06:00.000-04:00

I have been having the strangest dreams lately. One after another, all week long. I wish my brain was a dream dictionary so I could just flip through everything after the fact and figure out what it all means. Not that I'm not fairly decent at dream interpretations. But some dreams just seem to stick with you, you know?

I have a dream journal I've kept for years and it helps with symbols and stuff, but I feel like I never have time to sit down and type in my dreams the morning after, so a ton of them (even the really predominant ones) just fall by the wayside unrecorded. I'd do that recorder thing people to do document their dreams in the middle of the night if I didn't have someone else in the room!

The mind is such an amazing, complex thing...

Better Header?

2010-10-22T09:58:00.000-04:00

I'd like a new header. I keep changing it around, but am never satisfied. Any ideas?? I like to make them, but I'm at a loss right now as far as what I want.

26 Years...

2010-10-13T23:16:00.000-04:00

Well, it's official - I'm 26.

And I typically reflect on my birthday each year.

But this year, I simply want to document that I'm happy. I can't complain about my life. I like it and I'm moving forward in a good way with my career/education.

I had some heartbreak this year in regards to infertility. And I'm still struggling to deal with that little by little... but things are good. I have a good husband, a good family, good friends, and a good life.

I feel very positive about life in general. There are, of course, things I wish for regularly... like a better job, more money, a child. But there are so many great things happening in my life and I feel thankful.

26 will be the year of me becoming an aunt for the first time. I can't wait to spend time with a little niece who will hopefully love me as much as I will love her. 26 will be the year of me completing my first year of my Masters in Social Work. 26 will be the year of my third wedding anniversary with Rick. 26 will be the year of good friends' weddings and celebrations. 26 will be the year of many things which I cannot yet foresee.

And I am ready.

Back from Hack-Land

2010-10-10T17:10:00.000-04:00

Okay, everyone - you may now officially email me at any of my email addresses again. The situation was fixed at the end of this week. The nightmare is over. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my previous post and you will understand. I tried to email as many people as I could once I got my accounts secured again, but my entire address book was deleted, so rather than send brand new emails out to you, I may have simply replied to an old message you once sent me. It was easiest this way.

Everything is now secure and safe. If you opened an email from me, you did NOT get a virus and you did NOT get hacked yourself. The hacker was simply trying to get money from you. It was a scam. The only way you were in danger is if you sent real money to the person professing to be me.

This whole experience has been nothing but awful. I am so thankful to have control of my email accounts, my blogs, Facebook, and my YouTube account again.

Any emails I send you from this point on ARE SAFE. Please accept my apologies again. It was out of my control.

My Apologies :(

2010-10-06T14:12:00.000-04:00

To anyone who may have received a hoax email from me, I am truly sorry. My gmail email accounts were hacked, as was my Facebook account. I spent all day yesterday trying to avoid identity theft. It has been a true nightmare.

If you opened the email or replied, you are not in danger. The scam was to get money from you. So only if you provided money or bank info are you at risk. I have gotten my computer assessed (it is fine) and am still waiting for access to my gmail account and therefore blog (Actively Arielle: A Voice with a Commitment) and my YouTube account.

At this point, I cannot log into my gmail or my Actively Arielle blog because it is attached to my gmail account. You will notice, if you read that blog, that the hoax email is posted as the most recent entry. This was not me. It was the hacker. I am safe and was never in the UK. I am not able to get into my OWN blog right now, so I cannot delete that post or post anything new to tell people to disregard it. I am beyond frustrated, as anyone who knows me knows that my recovery self-help blog is extremely important to me.

Yesterday was hell and I was finally able to re-instate my Facebook account by proving to the FB Team that I am me in a variety of ways. I was glad to have Facebook back, simply because it meant I could communicate with people again. I text messaged everyone in my phone yesterday to tell them to disregard the fake email from me because I could not access my own email to send a follow-up email to anyone. But clearly I do not have everyone's phone number who was affected, nor am I able to communicate with any of you who are not in the USA.

Until further notice, the only way I can be reached is through Facebook (Arielle Lee Bair - I'm the only one),this blog (which thankfully was not affected because it is not associated with my gmail account), or my cell phone. I apologize again for any concern or inconvenience this hacker has caused you, but it was completely out of my control and it caused me many tears.

I am praying that my recovery blog can be re-accessed and I am praying that my YouTube account can be re-accessed too. They are both still there, I just cannot log into them to do anything more. So, no Wednesday video from me this week guys. And no more Actively Arielle blog posts until I am able to get back in.

Any email you send to arielle.bair@gmail.com or arielle.becker@gmail.com will NOT be read, because I cannot get into those accounts. When this is all fixed, I will be getting a new email address associated with my very own domain, to be purchased this week. Thanks again for your patience.

Please keep me in your thoughts - I had to leave work yesterday and take 4 hours of vacation time just to (begin to) sort this out. Many phone calls from worried people later, I am still in a tizzy over it all and still without access to my things, but I am dealing.

Testing...Testing...1, 2, 3...

2010-09-27T23:25:00.002-04:00

I had my first test of graduate school tonight. But before that, I almost got hit by a car.

Well, it sounds worse than it was. I like to be dramatic.

Today, it rained. Rick had off from work and cleaned the whole house. I, of course, was at work, in for the long haul. I set off for the university at 5 PM when my work day officially ended. It was pouring (of course). I pulled off of 378 for some Subway with my cool swipe-y Subway card that will eventually give me a free sub (will that day ever come?).

I got my sub (tuna with american cheese, mayo and olives in case you were wondering, and yes, I realize I should be less boring), got back in my car, and was in the process of driving through the parking lot when a car FLEW around one of those little curbed mulch pile things with a silly little tree in it that are in the middle of parking lots at about 40 miles per hour and nearly SLAMMED into the front of my car head on.

I was going about, hmmm, 3 miles per hour? I had JUST pulled out of my parking space and put my foot on the actual gas to drive forward through the lot. This car not only was speeding, it was also sliding in the (pouring) rain. It narrowly missed the front of my car and by narrowly, I mean by half an inch. How do you not see a bright copper car RIGHT directly in front of you?

But today was my lucky day, for I was NOT hit by a car. So I should really stop complaining, huh?

My night, however, was made better (note the sarcasm) by the continuous pouring rain and the fact that I had a test waiting for me in my Psychosocial Human Behavior class. I studied. But hey, it's all stuff you don't come out of the womb knowing. Like theories. And theories. And some more theories.

We had to go through 2 hours of class and start the test the LAST hour, so I was getting antsy. And my desk companion, Dr. Pepper, didn't help the situation. But ah well.

It was essay questions. I read, I wrote, I conquered. The outcome is yet to be determined.

Battering Ram

2010-09-27T23:12:00.000-04:00

The light grows dim

And here I am,

Thinking of another.

I see it’s him,

Battering ram,

More than any other.

My eyes are closed;

The dark surrounds.

It speaks to me alone.

My thoughts are posed,

And on what grounds

Am I known or unknown?

9-27-10

Question # 24: Stop, Shop, and Roll

2010-09-20T23:42:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...

---"What is your favorite thing to shop for? What is your least favorite thing to shop for? Who is your favorite person to shop for? Who is the hardest person to shop for (if you feel comfortable sharing this, not sure if someone who reads your blog would be offended if you said them)?"---

My favorite thing to shop for is clothes and shoes. I especially love shoes. I'm a bargain shopper though. I don't blow $200 on a pair of jeans or a pair of heels or anything like that. I don't have the money for that and you can find plenty of cute stuff for cheap that is still well made (at least I can!).

I also (believe it or not) like grocery shopping. Rick and I go grocery shopping together every Saturday and as much as I love him, I enjoy myself more when I do it alone. I don't know what it is, but moseying along down the aisles, seeing what looks good, checking things off my list, etc etc etc just feels good to me. Don't get me wrong, shopping with my hubby is great - but sometimes I feel like it a) holds me back or b) rushes me and I don't like either. We also usually have two carts (me with a little one and him with a big one) and go our separate ways for part of the time, meeting up later, because he is simply too slow for me and doesn't have the same kind of system I do. ;)

I also realllllly love buying gifts for people. I love knowing I have found something great and perfect. I like to get really creative. The more creative, the better.

Ooo! Oh and art supplies. I love shopping for art supplies.

My least favorite thing to shop for is... clearly, nothing. I love shopping for things. Except maybe stuff I know nothing about - like a lawnmower or something. But I can't say I've ever bought one - that's Rick's department.

The hardest person to shop for is my dad. 1) He has everything a man could want. 2) His hobbies tend to be expensive. 3) Years of making/buying gifts he was never happy with doesn't exactly fuel one's confidence in future gift buying.

I've started to stick with art. If I create something super cool and brand new for my dad, frame it, and make it work with a theme/decor/hobby he tends to appreciate it.

THIS is What It's All About

2010-08-31T10:32:00.002-04:00

Well, I've officially begun the grad school journey. I am one day closer to becoming an L.C.S.W. (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). The first day of school was a whirlwind. Part of me felt like a 10 year old again, getting my notebooks ready and coming down the stairs shouting, "First day of school!" The only difference this time around is that I was shouting it to a husband and I was on my way to work first. I told Rick I felt like he should be taking my picture like my mom always used to do on the first day of school. I wore a dress and everything, just like I used to. :)

I had a little anxiety – over directions (getting to the school and then finding the building on the campus), over time management, over how long I'd have for dinner between work and school. I mean, where does my work day end and my school day (night?) begin? I guess the answer is: Who cares – it's all one day, so I'll consider them molded into one. Lots of people do it, right?

Well, my work day flew by and when 5:00 hit, I got in my car and drove to the university. Made it in about 25 minutes, which isn't bad considering rush hour. The traffic was kind to me.

I made two new friends in the first 10 minutes I arrived in the lounge of the building for the "New Student Welcome." One woman graduated the year before me (I graduated in 2006) and one the year after me. The program seems wonderful – like a family. There are only 35 new grad students for this program and I'm one of them. We're all going to know each other when all is said and done. We travel this journey together for the next 3 years. I'm excited. Everyone's so different and nice. All ages, all occupations, all walks of life. There are girls younger than I am, and women who could be my mother. It's awesome.

And obviously, given the Masters Degree in question, almost everyone is a woman. I spied a few men in the program, but none in my first class last night. Just women. It was a fun dynamic.

It's easy to be overwhelmed thinking about juggling full-time work, some seriously intensive grad school (this is no easy Masters), and future field work in addition to the regular curriculum, but as I sat there and listened to the director welcome us and talk about the field, I was completely content. "This is exactly where I am supposed to be," I thought. "This is the best choice I could ever have made." I felt so... good. Everything is right and falling into place. 60(!) credits from now and 2 part-time internships later I will be able to do what my heart wants to do.

I got home at 10:15 PM and I had gotten up before 7 AM so here's to 15+ hour days, but as my friend Jen says, "When you're tired and you're going to class and you feel like you just can't do it, remember there's a girl out there somewhere right now with an eating disorder, crying and just hanging on for a little while longer so that YOU will be the one to help her." So that's what I'll do.

I can't say I'm looking forward to all the work (though I can crank out a paper like nobody's business;), but I am really looking forward to getting to know all the wonderful social workers in the program, both instructors and grad students. We all work, we all have commitments, and we're all there to make a difference. The stories were great and if every night, though painfully long, is as good as my first night, I think I'm in for a really rewarding experience.

Question # 23: Chomping & Chirping

2010-08-26T17:59:00.000-04:00

Anonymous asked:

---"What is your favorite animal?---

and

---"If you had to pick an animal to represent yourself, what would it be and why?"---

My favorite animal is the hippo. Why? It's a weird story. One day, I said I was hungry. In fact, I said I was a hungry, hungry hippo. That's how hungry I was. And then I made the noise I imagined a "hungry, hungry hippo" to sound like. (If you're thinking I was a child when this took place, you're wrong - I was about 19.) You know the old board game "Hungry Hungry Hippos"? Well, I acted out the chomping noise one of those delightful hippos makes when gobbling up the marbles. Except, I got really into it. And it sounded something like, "OMP OMP OMP" only really deep and intense. (You're picturing me pretending to be a hippo, aren't you?)

Good.

Well, I think from that day forward, my love for the hippo grew to something unreasonable and strange. I amused people with my hippo sound on many occasions and began collecting hippos.

But doesn't the answer to every question begin with a good story?

As for which animal best represents me, I'd say some kind of happy little bird. Nothing too tiny, but not exactly an eagle either. I'm the kind of bird who flits from place to place, enjoying each moment as best I can. I'm the kind of bird who sings and sings - both for other people and to make myself feel better. I'm the kind of bird who takes care of those who aren't as strong as I am. The kind who likes to fly high, but not too high. The kind who is content to be watching as long as she can chirp every now and then.

Question # 22: Parenting

2010-08-08T21:55:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...

---How many kids do you want to have? Do you have a preference as to girls or boys? Are you scared that your potential daughter(s) might develop eating disorder(s) and, if so, how will you try to prevent this from happening?---

I have to be honest - this question kind of makes my heart hurt right now. My husband and I were told only weeks ago that we can't have kids. We had been trying for what seemed like ages, but was in fact over a year. I don't want to get into it or talk details or options... suffice it to say we are dealing with a blow and having a baby doesn't look likely right now.

If I had gotten to this question earlier in the year, I would have babbled on an on about babies and children and this and that. But I can't do it now. It hurts too much.

But... I long to be a mother.

So the answer to this question is...

All I wanted was one. Just one. I mean, I honestly would love to have two or three, or even four if our financial situation would ever allow it. But all I wanted (and what I would really and truly be happy with) was one. I have absolutely no preference as to girls or boys. I can picture myself with a beautiful little girl or a wonderful little boy.

I'm not worried about any child of mine developing an eating disorder, simply because it's no way to live. I would teach any daughter of mine to love herself and her body, and I would make sure she knew every day she lived that I love her and value her. I feel that some of developing an eating disorder is predisposed - it is a mental illness after all. But I can only do what any parent would do in any dire situation: love my child and do the very best I can.

Do I feel that I would "give" an eating disorder to my child? No way. Do I wonder if a child of mine might develop one? Sure. But not due to her watching me. My life is in order in that respect. In fact, because I myself dealt with an eating disorder, I feel that I know what to look for, what to say and do to help a young girl along the right path, and considering my life's passion is advocacy for recovery and I lead a support group and am pursuing my MSW to counsel eating disordered individuals, I'd say I'd be pretty well equipped to help a daughter in this regard. Understanding? Check. Intuition? Check. Desire to help? Double check.

Question # 21: Futuristic

2010-08-03T17:33:00.001-04:00

Still going strong with the questions here.

An Anonymous reader asked:

---"What would your ideal future look like?"---

I would be a successful writer - an author of self-help-esque books on eating disorders that aren't preachy and pull from reality, of poetry compilations, of children's books, and of novels. I would also be an L.C.S.W (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) seeing eating disordered individuals in a private practice setting. I would be a mom in some way, shape, or form. I would be busy enough to stay healthily occupied, but have enough free time to spend with my family.

I'd see friends as I do now, see family as I do now, and be an amazing aunt to the little boy or girl my brother and his wife are carrying right now.

I'd love to have enough money that I didn't have to worry about buying things like a dress I want or a the removal of a groundhog from the premises of our yard. Enough to provide and keep us content, so that Rick didn't have to be so concerned about what retirement is going to look like.

I'd still be keeping Conversations with an Ass, be older and (hopefully) wiser, and with any luck finally look like I'm older than 16.

Oh, and I'd love a new show to obsess over now that LOST is gone.

I guess only time will tell. :)

Aching for Cake

2010-08-02T16:07:00.001-04:00

I just have to share...

Rick has written "vanilla cake?" on the store list (complete with a question mark).

Arielle questions this.

Rick (with a thoughtful look on his face): "Well, I was thinking...since you're going to be going to grad school, I thought I should learn how to make cakes."

Apparently I make him so many cakes and now won't be around enough to provide for his needs.

So we bought ingredients, he asked me some questions, and when I came home from my mom's on Sunday a two-layer frosted cake was sitting beautifully on a glass cake pedestal in the middle of the kitchen counter.

Very humorous. But very impressive for a man.

He totaled up the ingredients and decided that with oil, eggs, frosting, etc. it had only cost him about $3 to make his own cake, therefore he plans to do this on a regular basis instead of buying a cake if he wants one.

My husband is HILARIOUS. I love him.

Plans, Plans, Plans & Years Gone By

2010-07-19T22:12:00.000-04:00

I found this tonight...it was written by me at age 22.
--------------------------
Things I Want To Accomplish By the Time I'm 30

1. Learn/re-learn Spanish*
2. Have a child
3. Get my Master's Degree*
4. Publish a children's book, novel, collection of poetry...or all three
5. Get a great job (or work at home as a writer under contract with a publishing company--which IS a great job)
6. Write a book about my college years, whether it's for publishing or just for posterity
7. ~~Travel somewhere outside the U.S.~~
8. Expand my library from 500 books to 700 books.*
9. Learn recipes from my grandmothers.*
10. ~~Donate money to a worthy cause.~~
--------------------------------
22, man, 22. I actually posted it years ago (with no strikethroughs or asterisks of course) on this very blog, if you go waaaaay back. I have accomplished some of the items, which you will notice are crossed out. Then there are those I have begun to accomplish. Those have the asterisk. For example,

-*I am trying to re-learn Spanish. I took a bunch of years of it in middle and high school and was really good at it, but lost it along the way, as I 1) stopped using it and 2) switched to French in college. The Spanish just started dissolving in my brain and the French never really stuck. It would definitely be a great skill to add to my resume though.

-*I applied to grad school and I start my Master's in 6 weeks. So while I can't exactly cross it off the list yet, it's in the works.

-*I have just over 600 books in my personal library - so while I haven't made it to 700 yet, I am well past 500!

-*I have gotten some recipes from my Grammy and Nana. Not as many as I want, but a start.

So I am happy to say that 6 of my 10 items are either done or being done. As for the other items -

# 2 - I can't have a child. At least not the traditional way. We tried for a long while, saw a fertility specialist, and were told some bad news. We can't afford other options. We can't adopt due to cost and Rick's age (applicant qualifications). I don't want to talk about it. I am devastated. Just reading #2 of my list made me want to die just now. But maybe some day, some way, I'll be able to cross it off my list if I keep the faith.

# 4 - The writing stuff is constant - I never give that up. I fully intend to be published one day. And I still intend to be published before I turn 30. The stuff I've written is there, it's just the "getting discovered"/getting an agent/having-a-full-time-job-but-wanting-to-be-a-writer part that is such a pain in the ass.

# 5 - The "get a great job" item will hopefully be accomplished once I finish my Masters in Social Work. I want to work with individuals with eating disorders. I do a bunch of stuff in regards to that on my own time (unpaid) already, but I'm ready to make it a career.

# 6 - I haven't written a book about my college years yet. I have ideas, I have notes. But no body of work. Maybe it's time to get on that... I only have 4 years and 3 months left. :)

The items that are completely crossed out - "travel somewhere outside the US" and "donate money to a worthy cause" - can rest in peace. I went to St. Lucia for my honeymoon in 2008 and Punta Cana, Domincan Republic for my friend's wedding in 2009. And I donate to a worthy cause on a regular basis - ANAD (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders). It's the national org the support group I lead is affiliated with and not only do I donate money to them here and there, I also donate money to the library I hold my meetings in. I also donated a large sum to Turning Point (an organization which helps women who are victims of domestic violence) at the time of my wedding over 2 years ago. In lieu of favors, everyone had a card at their place setting stating that a donation was made instead to that cause.

As I said above, I have about 4 years left 'til 30 and despite the fact that my list is not yet fulfilled, I'd actually like to add a few more items to the list now:

11. Make my unfinished basement an actual living space.
12. Finish the novel I began in 2008 and then put aside for oh, a year or two.
13. Learn how to knit.
14. Save $5000 to do with whatever I please.
15. Take my husband on a vacation he is not expecting or worrying about affording.

Okay...time is of the essence!

Question # 20: Descriptions In But a Few Words

2010-07-15T11:20:00.001-04:00

Another anonymous reader asked:

---"How would you describe yourself in 3 words? How would you describe Rick in 3 words? Now, how would you describe each other in 3 words (you describe Rick and he describes you)?"---

Me describing me: romantic, neurotic, creative

Me describing Rick: romantic, spiritual, appreciative

I wrote the first bit of this post last night... then today on the way to work, I said to Rick, "How would you describe me in 3 words? My blog readers want to know." He looked at me thoughtfully and said nothing. I added, "And you too. Describe YOU in 3 words." He still looked at me without replying. I took this to mean he would get back to me as soon as he was ready with the answer.

Well, we got to work and went to our separate floors and offices. After about half an hour, I logged into my computer upstairs and checked my office email. Rick had sent me an email. This is it:
--------------------------
SUBJECT: In 3 words...

You are the "sweetest thing ever" and I am a "very lucky man".

--------------------------

Gotta love it. :)

Conversations with an Ass

2010-06-28T22:29:00.000-04:00

I would like all of you to be the first to know that I have a BRAND NEW mini blog in addition to this one: Conversations with an Ass. Check it out and see what it's all about. I just made the first post.

I am very entertained by the whole idea. :)

Question # 19: Home Sweet Home

2010-06-27T21:26:00.000-04:00

Anonymous asked...

---What is your favorite place in the world? Why?---

I love being at home. I know that sounds like a terribly boring answer, but it's true. As a kid, my parents would ask us (my brother and me) what our favorite part of the family vacation was. My answer: Coming home again.

And I didn't mean it in a weird, ungrateful way. I just meant that even though I had a great time doing whatever it was we did each year, I loved the feeling of returning home best. Knowing that my room would be waiting for me with all its books, my bed, my personal space. Knowing that after a fun time, I was lucky enough to be going back to someplace I actually liked. Knowing that excitement and everything out of the normal routine was done again for a while.

Traveling makes me antsy and anxious even though I love the destination most of the time. So when I get home, I am often so relieved and get this sort of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing in regards to home.

Home to me is the Lehigh Valley, PA - where I was born, raised, and still live. I am comfortable here. I run here, I work here, and I have family here. The only thing lacking is a few of my very best friends.

Sometimes on my way to doctor appointments, instead of taking the highway, I drive right through Bethlehem/Allentown. It's a long drive, but I like to see the people going about their lives as I pass by. There are always things happening. Kids on the streets, neighbors talking to each other, moms pushing babies in strollers, playground chases, couples hand in hand. I like it. And while I know with the logical part of my brain that these things happen everywhere, as I drive through the city I kind of swell with pride knowing THIS is where I live.

There's bad here and there's good, and even though anyone who's from here knows that the inner city leaves a lot to be desired, there's a lot I love too. I love that I am literally 3 minutes from a big city, but can drive by cows on my way to work every single morning. (I live in Northampton and work in Bethlehem.) I love that there are enough stores and restaurants here for me to list all day long. I love that there are cornfields next to my house. I love that my mom is a mere block from my office.

So, I guess for me the cliches are true: Home is where the heart is. Home sweet home.

Question # 18: Fave Foods

2010-06-22T22:20:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...

---What is your absolute favorite food in the world? How often do you get to eat this? Was this your favorite food before the ED? If so, did you deprive yourself of it during hard times w/ your ED?---

My favorite KIND of food is Mexican food. I love it.
My favorite regular food is a tuna melt.
And I love anything chocolate.
I used to joke that my perfect meal would be a Coke, a tuna melt, and a chocolate donut.

How often do I eat this stuff? Fairly often. If anyone asks me what kind of restaurant I want to go to, the answer is always, "a Mexican place." If I get to pick for a birthday lunch at work or a night out, that's what I choose. I never get tired of it.

Tuna melts I have about as often. Even with the foods we love, it all has to be within reason, or we get sick of them. You know?

These things were my favorites before the eating disorder, yes. Did I deprive myself of them during that time? Sure. Not always, but definitely at certain points. It was a punishment to deprive myself and a reward to get to eat something good.

These days if anyone ever comments on my food intake (which I think is rather tactless no matter who you are) or how many calories/how much fat/etc is in something I'm seen eating, I always remark that I deprived myself for enough years and now I'm going to let myself have what I like.

That's sort of my philosophy with fave foods.

A Bit of Good News

2010-06-12T17:57:00.001-04:00

I desperately need to post AND get back to the reader questions (there are still a ton), but first -

Oh LOST, I'll Be Lost Without You!

2010-05-20T16:46:00.004-04:00

For those of you who do not care about the TV show LOST, I'm afraid you may want to skip this post, but I simply can't see it end without writing a little ode to it. (And no, I don't spoil anything, so if you're behind, you can read.)

I have never loved a TV show so much. Those of you who could care less about LOST are probably rolling your eyes, but there is so much good stuff in that show. It's so incredibly clever I continue to be in awe. There is so much focus on the spiritual, on the literary, on the cultural, and on humanity itself. There are few TV shows I have pondered long after I turn them off, and even fewer I actually try to analyze. I've done both with LOST on plenty of occasions. I mean, after the show ends I'll literally have like half of my brain capacity back.

The cast is simply amazing. It is a true ensemble cast in every sense of the word and I've never been more invested in what happens to fictional characters (which is saying a lot, since I'm a huge reader). The writers of the show are fantastic. FANTASTIC. I have been intrigued from day one and I await what I assume will be a mind-blowing finale on Sunday night.

LOST is one of those TV shows I could actually write a paper on. I mean, if I was still in college and LOST was a research topic, I could find themes and explore intricacies for pages and pages. It is that good. It is that cool. It is that complex. And creative.

I don't think any other show comes close to this show, in any respect. I'm sorry to see it go, but when a story is told, there is always an end. I want to watch LOST again from beginning to end – all 6 seasons, especially now, knowing what I know, and see what I can see that I didn't before.

It kind of comforts me... and excites me... and speaks to me. And it's a TV show. I know this. But if you think I'm nuts, I know plenty of other people who feel as I do! I mean, hell, I'm part of a LOST discussion club (via email – and with real friends & people, not some message board crap with strange people) every Wednesday following the show! I'll be sorry to see that go as well!

Oh, and I love me some Sawyer. :)

Dress to Impress, Family Style :)

2010-05-06T20:47:00.000-04:00

I just have to show you my outfit today.

If you know me, you know I like fashion and get excited by making old things new again. If these things have come from a family member, are vintage, and/or have sentimental value, it is a big bonus!
Believe it or not, these adorable (and rather comfy) heels were my Grammy's and are from the late 1940s!

1) They fit, 2) they are actually in style, and 3) they went so nicely with my outfit (which I am about to show you).

Here it is. My super talented mom made the dress for me. I picked out the fabric (which is a very light and airy blue/white/black print with vintage-looking drawn women on it), I told her exactly what I wanted and supervised the "making," and she sewed. Isn't it super cute? I wore it with my Grammy's heels, a long black cardigan, and a wide black belt.

Here's a closer look at the belt. It's actually a lot wider than it looks, because the dress is sort of hanging over it - it's loose and comfy, but cinched in at the waist. My mom actually made a sash belt (made of the same dress material) to go with it, so I can switch off depending on what look I'm going for.
And here's the dress without the cardigan. The fabric is basically a see-through summer print, so I have a black liner slip dress on underneath it.
What do you think? I get to make mom and Grammy proud by going to work - simply by what I'm wearing!

Question # 17: Just Me & My Book

2010-05-02T10:54:00.000-04:00

An Anonymous reader said...: ---"If you were stuck on an island indefinitely, what ONE thing would you want to have with you?"---

I can honestly say I don't think I'd want to be stranded on an island indefinitely without anything to read. Taking a photo album of my loved ones would be great, but it would probably only make me more depressed and it wouldn't take up time the way reading would.

I'd also probably likely die if I couldn't write, but saying I'd bring a pad and pen or a journal wouldn't get me too far as I'd use it up in about a week. So... I'd say I'd have to bring a book. A good one. A long one. One that I could see myself reading over and over, finding new bits, pondering over certain passages... even memorizing pieces to pass the time. I'd be able to "escape" my fate by being in the story.

But if I was really stranded on an island, I'd probably go crazy within a month, burn to a crisp in the sun with my pale skin, and drown in the waves trying to catch fish to eat.

Vote for Mom! You Know You Want To!

2010-04-26T18:51:00.003-04:00

Enjoy...

-the link to her page at More magazine: http://www.more.com/13752/17628-loretta-becker-age-51
(You have to put in an email address and create a password to make your vote count, but they only send you one email to confirm email address, I promise!)

Two Years and Counting...

2010-04-19T22:30:00.004-04:00

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary. It was a really, really good one. Rick and I had a wonderful weekend together, complete with a delicious dinner out on Saturday. He also surprised me with this beautiful necklaceonly mine is with the "A" like this because of my name. I really love it and wasn't expecting anything like that - we are usually very low-key and don't need to spend a lot of money on each other. We both have that sentimental nature and put a lot of thought into romantic stuff.

I also found out we are going to Ogunquit, Maine over Memorial Day weekend for 4 nights and I am really excited, because I didn't think we'd be going on a vacation. Rick showed me the brochure and lots of photos online. We're staying at a really lovely place right on the sea.

Everything looks so wonderful and it's really my cup of tea. It's an artsy little town with lots of art galleries and shops and boats. We're even going to take a cocktail cruise!

I can't wait! And I really have a great husband. Sometimes it's hard to believe 2 years have passed since our wedding day, but in other ways, I feel like we've been together for such a long time. (Well, we've been together for over 3.)
I'm really glad I found him.

Question # 16: One Quick Decision...

2010-04-18T22:14:00.000-04:00

Anonymous said...

---If your house was on fire and you had to pick ONE material thing to save (all people/animals in the house are safe), what would it be?---

Easy - I'd save my writings. I'd grab my stack of printed works, or my laptop - whichever was easier. I'd love to save my beautiful wedding album, but honestly, that could be remade and replaced. The photographer has all the photos. I'd also love to save all my books, but when all is said and done, those could be replaced too. And I have 600 of them, so it wouldn't be possible anyway.

My writings, however, are irreplaceable. I have written stories and novels and journal entries and poems upon poems. Luckily, so much stuff is online and able to be accessed from anywhere! Like three years of blogging, hundreds of YouTube videos, and a bunch of poetry.

I have to admit, I'd be really, really sad to leave my art (I do art) behind in a blazing fire, and it definitely wouldn't be replaceable, but to me my writing is more important. (sigh)

Question # 15: Yes!

2010-04-18T09:58:00.001-04:00

Muthering Heights asks:

---Here's a question - would you want to have your recovery blog made into a book?---

YES! That's one of my goals, actually. Trying to get an agent. It's a difficult process. I have a big following over at my other blog, and a ton of subscribers on YouTube, and I do have a full-length manuscript ready for action. All I need now is the luck! :)

Question # 14: A Writer at the Very Core...

2010-04-11T11:10:00.001-04:00

Gary asks:

---"...It would be interesting to me to learn more about your writing. What formats and themes most interest you? Have you had anything published? Any thing soon to be published? Does that even matter?"---

I love poetry most of all. I think it will forever be my first love. I also like to write short stories and other fiction. I've actually written a few novels, but I don't think any of them are good enough to pursue publishing. Yet. It's so hard to find the time for writing things of length these days. There's always so much to do. But I'm confident that one day I'll have books in the bookstore. :)

I have had some things published - a poem in a Celebrate Young Writer's book, way back when I was a junior in high school, and a bunch of other poems when I was a teenager. What I would really love is to get a whole book of my poetry published. I have a compilation of 50 pages worth of poems I submit to prestigious calls for writing, but poetry is such a hard area to break into - no market really, and acceptance of very few full-length poetry books.

I have had articles published in the magazine for which I used to write and edit in college. It was just a University magazine, but I had fun with it. I have also presented papers at the Geis Research on Women Conference two years in a row, also when I was in college. I completed a 90+ page senior thesis too, which is archived at the University of Delaware library, but I doubt that counts as being published. :)

I have been trying to get an agent for the last year or so. It's that long process all the writers speak of where you get rejection letter after rejection letter until you're picked up. I am trying to publish a self-help type book - sort of like my other, more popular blog (Actively Arielle: A Voice with a Commitment), but in book form.

I also have a bunch of children's book ideas, but no agent has snagged me for those yet either. I'm an artist of sorts in addition to being a writer, so I can illustrate as well. This is an extremely competitive market! But I do have a lot of ideas I know kids would like, so we'll see. If I'm being honest, I haven't put my all into the quest for an agent - it's hard to do what you love when you work full time and have other commitments. If writing and getting an agent was all I had to do all day instead of work, it would be a whole lot easier!

I don't have the time to devote myself fully towards garnering an agent and such. I wish I did. I keep working at it little by little - but the good news is, in the mean time, I keep writing, I keep looking, and one day I have faith it will happen for me. It does matter to me - very, very much. It's one of my life goals - not only to be a published author, but to be a successful and continuing published author, writing things that people read and enjoy. I have wanted to be a writer since I could write! - No - since I could read!

Newsbreak: Help me out?

2010-04-06T12:06:00.001-04:00

As most of you know, I am a Caseworker for Child Care Information Services in Northampton County, PA. I will be participating in the Highmark Walk for a Healthy Community in historic downtown Bethlehem on the morning of June 12th, 2010. It is a 5K walk and all proceeds will benefit the organization for which I work.

Your donation and support will help us to help many Lehigh Valley children, and it will also help us be able to do our jobs and serve those children with special needs, via Unconditional Child Care, a program we offer. What is Unconditional Child Care? It's a program of intervention for children whose behavior in their child care program is difficult to manage. It is completely non-profit and the mission is to help families in Northampton and Lehigh Counties obtain and sustain child care. Using the WrapAround philosphy as a foundation, the hoal of the program is to ensure an appropriate child care program for the child by meeting the needs of the child, family, and child care program.

The WrapAround process creates an intervention team who "wrap themselves around" the child to offer the support needed for the child to be successdul at home and at child care. There are team meetings, coordinating services, and solutions are created to specifically suit the child's life.

What can be incldued in this:

-exchange of info and materials

-development of a behavior management plan

-reimbursement to child care programs for additional staff

-reimbursement for family or individual counseling

-on-site psychological or educational observations and consultations

-referrals

-shared responsibility

-establishment of communication

-building trust

In short, this is an important program that runs on monetary support and other donations alone. Please help me if you can.

If you would like to visit my fundraising page to make a pledge, the link is below:

http://ccisinc.dojiggy.com/arielleleebair

I appreciate any help and support you are able to give.

Thanks so much,
Arielle

Question # 13: Wam Bam, Thank You, Ma'am!

2010-04-03T15:17:00.003-04:00

Stephanie writes:

---“I think it's so cool that you were a [Women’s Studies] major in college. I'd be interested in what you most enjoyed learning, favorite books/classes, or anything you want to critique from a feminist perspective.”---

I had a lot of favorites. Favorite themes. Favorite classes. Favorite books. A favorite professor.

I think the main thing I learned is that so many people have a skewed view of what Women’s Studies is. It’s so often seen as this crazy, liberal major with a focus on abortion or radical feminists. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. The greatest thing about being a Women’s Studies major is that you can tailor the major to fit your interests and paths. You can go the route of historical Women’s Studies... or Women’s Health... or Women’s Literature/Writing... even International Women’s Studies. There are so many facets to the major (or at least there were at my university). And while I'm a loving, tolerant, and open-minded individual, I don't consider myself a terribly liberal person politically - so that just goes to show you Women's Studies is not all it appears to be on the surface.

I was also an English major, so I tended to take classes that were literary in nature – for example, “Late Victorian Women Writers” was a class I really enjoyed. I also took one called “Women in British Theatre.” Needless to say, there was a ton of reading and writing associated with these classes, which I personally liked, and they focused on women writers, which is especially cool to me. Furthermore, these courses had the historical slant – they focused on women writers who were suffragettes, we read plays about women fighting for the vote, etc. etc.

I also enjoyed the courses which focused on more international women’s issues and religious issues. “Women and Violence” comes to mind, as does “Women and Religion,” “Women and War,” and “International Women’s Studies.” My “Women and Religion” course was actually taught by a female pastor (Methodist), but she brought in other women (Native American women in high roles, a female priest, a female rabbi, etc.) to teach so the course was as well rounded as possible. Things like that always spark my interest, because I love learning about things that aren’t easy to get your hands on in typical daily life.

Some of my favorite books I read for classes (and there were many) were:

Shutterbabe: Adventures in Love and War - Deborah Copaken Kogan
Baghdad Burning - Riverbend (it's a pen name - she is a real Iraqi woman blogger)
Peter Pan - J.M. Barrie (Never thought it applied to WOMS, did you? Well it does! The original is really not for kids.)
A bunch of the Oscar Wilde plays (yes, they apply!!)

My favorite professor of Women’s Studies (and of any of my courses at University of Delaware) was Dr. Margaret Stetz. She is amazing. She taught both English and Women’s Studies courses, so all the classes she ran were right up my alley. She ended up becoming my thesis advisor and working closely with me to write my 90+ page work entitled “Portrayals and Discussions of the New Woman in British Theatre.” Who is the New Woman, you might ask? Well, that leads me to the last part of Stephanie’s inquiry – “anything I want to critique from a feminist perspective.”

In turn-of-the-century

Britain

, the figure of the “New Woman” was the focus of gender debates in novels, in journalism, and on the stage. Some argued that she was the embodiment of a new feminist spirit that was stirring in real life, especially among middle-class women who broke away from the Victorian ideal and advocated for increased sexual, educational, and political rights. Others said that she was merely a fictional construct: an expression of anxieties about modernity and social change. Either way, she was crucial to the literary culture of her time, and she became the subject of both admiration and satire.

Her presence loomed especially large in the London theatre world. Male and female playwrights portrayed her in a variety of comedies and dramas and used her for different purposes, often influenced by their respective stances on feminist issues. In his plays of the 1890s, George Bernard Shaw often mocked the “New Woman” as politically naive and self-absorbed. The actress and author Elizabeth Robins, on the other hand, saw her as an essential vehicle for feminist arguments in favor of women’s voting rights and used the stage as a way to convey this.

The “New Woman” was a vital presence on the stage, and the portrayals of her reflected the divergent opinions about women’s roles in late-Victorian

Britain

, while also helping to shape the audiences’ attitudes. My work showed the strong links between theatre and feminist politics at the start of the twentieth century, and how the phenomenon of the “New Woman” was at the center of these changes.

I just love how so much crucial stuff began years and years ago. There is so much info about which people know nothing.

Oh - and for those of you who didn't get the reference in my post title, it's a famous line from David Bowie's "Suffragette City"... I thought it appropriate. :)

Question # 12: Going for the Dream!

2010-03-24T18:30:00.002-04:00

Another question from Kait:

---"What's your ideal job? Is it different from what you think you'll end up doing?"---

It's funny that I came to this question now - it's so timely. I have some news! But first -

My ideal job is to be a counselor (specifically for eating disorders and addictions), Interventionist, and Writer. I babble about this to anyone close to me who will listen. They say, "Arielle, you should do it!" I get emails and calls from the lovely women I help telling me I "need" to do it. Counselor is easy enough to describe - I think you all know what I mean. I'd love to eventually have a private practice and also do interventions.

I'm sure many of you have seen the show Intervention on A&E. I personally adore it. It's an Emmy-award-winning documentary series and the people on there who help facilitate the interventions for the family and the troubled individual - they're Interventionists. That, to me, is an amazing job. And it really helps, as an Interventionist, when you've personally struggled with something too. The writer part - well, in addition to the counselor/interventionist job, I want to write. Self-help, like my Actively Arielle blog, fiction, poetry, you name it. The great thing about being a writer is that you can be one and do other things too. :) (Being a writer has always been my #1 thing.)

And yes, I have kind of considered this fabulous-combination-of-an-ideal job a dream that I might one day, far in the future, achieve. Until now. Only (very) recently has the opportunity presented itself for me to be able to make this all happen. Like, now. Thus, my news... in video form...is below. :)

Question # 11: I haven't traveled far and wide...

2010-03-22T14:42:00.001-04:00

An anonymous reader asked:

---"Have you been to the UK?!"---

I have not been to the UK, but I would LOVE to go! I honestly haven't been very many places at all – several of the states, to the island of St. Lucia for my honeymoon, and to the Dominican Republic for a friend's wedding. That's it!

The UK is at the top of my Places I'd Like to Travel list. Not only do I know several very fabulous people who live there, but for someone who enjoys the British literature classics, it's long been a place I've wanted to visit since I was a girl. I've seen some beautiful photos of Ireland, Scotland, England... etc. If I ever have the money to go somewhere, I'll go to the UK, and you'll all get a post about it! :)

Question # 10: Not Intentional or Conventional...

2010-03-04T22:15:00.002-05:00

Another one from Kait, which also happens to be the same question Gary asked too (I'll get to the rest of his questions later) :

---"When did you know you were in love with your husband....and when did you know that he was going to be your husband?"---

It was Christmas time. I was 22. Rick was old enough to be my father. Most of you know that already. The simple answer is: I knew I was in love with him when I thought I was crazy. We worked together (and still do); I was new and Rick was the accountant. I was prancing around every day in all my cheerfulness, being my usual friendly, bubbly self - the youngest employee at CCIS. I knew Rick and he knew me, but our conversations were limited to a "hello" in the hallways or a brief conversation (which I always initiated) about 24 or LOST (since he was a fan and I knew it - and I like to make conversation).

But back to the whole thinking I was crazy thing. The brief backstory is that Rick is a quiet person. He kept to himself. He was private. He always kind of had a sadness to him. And at Christmas time, he was the only one of our 23 employees who didn't want to go to the Christmas lunch. In fact, he wasn't really in the Christmas spirit at all.

Long story short - I decided to be a little Christmas elf and cheer him up. I didn't have any feelings for him. I just thought he was a nice guy who needed some Christmas cheer. Everyone at work decorates their office door for the holidays. Rick, as you can imagine, did not. So I got it into my head that I was going to decorate his door. People told me not to, because they thought he'd be a Scrooge or something. But I wasn't intimidated. I figured I'd start off small and if after the first day he was angry, I'd just stop. After all, with my plan, he wouldn't know who was doing the decorating.

I got to work early for a week or so and decorated his door before he got there. I started off with just a tiny little snowman ornament hanging from a nail in the center of his door and a single string of garland around the top. When he didn't take them down, I added more decorations the next day. It seemed he was enjoying it. In any event, he didn't seem to mind. By the end of the week, I had light-up Christmas lights taped to his desk and he even left them on all day while he was in there. It makes me laugh now just thinking about it.

This whole plan had one end in sight - to make him come to the Christmas lunch like everyone else. He found out I'd been the one decorating his office. He told me later I was the obvious choice. He turned in his invitation for the Christmas lunch to our office manager and I was pleased I had brought a little cheer to someone - happy I had made someone feel included. Our receptionist told me that the man who always came to give Rick the paychecks said as he was leaving, "What's up with Rick? He smiled at me for the first time in years! He's in such a good mood!" Our office manager told me she caught Rick in his office listening to Christmas carols.

But I didn't love him yet. I was just being nice, just trying to bring him out of his shell. Any kind of romantic interest wasn't even on my radar - he was an older man and I was just being me.

But...I knew the moment I first touched Rick that something tremendous was going to come of us. I knew as clearly as I know anything that we were going to end up together in the real true sense and there would be nothing temporary about it.

At our work Christmas lunch, Rick was sitting next to me. When gifts were passed around (we do Secret Santa), I found that in addition to my Secret Santa giving me a gift, Rick had gotten me presents, too. Not only was this a surprise to me, but it was a surprise to everyone else as well. After everyone had opened their gifts, someone mentioned that they wanted to see what everyone else had gotten, and Betsy (our executive director) had us all go around the table showing and telling. When it was my turn, I explained what my Secret Santa person had gotten me, and then I prefaced my showing and telling of Rick's gifts with the phrase, "And because Rick is such a nice guy..." And as I did so, I touched him on the shoulder and part of his back. Kind of like a pat on the back, but a little less quick. It was meant to be a friendly gesture and I did it half without knowing I was doing it. I was nervous and flustered over the gifts he had given me, and that was how my nervousness manifested itself.

But as I touched him, I could feel myself straighten up immediately, half because of the realization of what I'd just done and half because I had felt something very very important begin to happen inside me. But I ignored it soon after. I wasn't in love with him yet. We hadn't talked enough at that point...he hadn't yet bared his soul and I hadn't yet bared mine...but things were happening without our knowledge, as though part of some greater plan.

It wasn't until about 2 weeks later that we were really feeling the effects of each other. It wasn't until about 2 weeks later that we really allowed ourselves to realize what we were feeling. We thought we were crazy and confused; it seemed that something very big and serious was happening in such a short period of time. How?

It's a question Rick and I could ask a million times and never find an answer. And really, the "how" doesn't matter. He gave me the deepest part of himself and I gave him the same in return. We were stunned by what was happening, but we wanted it.

We wrote letters to each other, and emails. I felt like he knew me so well. He wrote me a letter early on telling me it would be better if I just left him alone. I knew he didn't mean it. He wanted to do the right thing. We were just scared. Scared because of our age difference. Scared by what we were feeling. And scared that we were crazy.

When I'd lie awake at night and realize I was thinking about him, I felt crazy. I asked myself, "Am I actually falling in love with this guy?" But I was. For a little while, I was afraid. But I think the moment I knew I was in love with him was the moment I STOPPED being afraid. That was the pivotal moment for me - when I knew I loved him and didn't care at all about anything else. When I knew that what I was feeling was the purest thing I'd ever felt. When everything just felt right, even though prior to Rick it would have seemed completely crazy. When the fear was there, and then suddenly it was gone - THAT is when I knew I was in love with him.

I lived for our conversations. I lived for his smile. He read my poetry and loved it for what it was. Appreciated it the way I wanted it to be appreciated. And he loved me for me, and appreciated me for what I was too. I didn't care he was twice my age. Age is just a number. And I didn't care about how quickly our love took off. One of my favorite quotes is: "When you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." I feel that way about Rick.

As for when I knew he was going to be my husband - the first time we held onto each other, I knew we were soulmates. So the day I found out in conversation that he wasn't opposed to marriage even though he was older, I knew he'd one day be my husband. :)

And now, everything is as it should be.

Question # 9: On This Perfect Day, Nothing's Standing In My Way...

2010-02-28T10:54:00.002-05:00

Kait asks:

---"What would your perfect day be like?"---

I'd wake up when I felt rested instead of at a particular time.
I'd be able to stay home and be with my husband instead of having to work.
I'd have time to write, to read, to play.
I'd get to eat whatever I wanted, even if it meant going out for lunch and dinner (think hoagies and Mexican food).
I'd have time to take a walk, talk on the phone, draw, and dance.

If money was no object...
I'd go shopping and buy lots of clothes, shoes, and books!

If money was no object AND I could pick the season...
It would be summer and Rick and I would be at the beach when all these things occurred.

If there was no regard for logic...
I'd wake up already looking amazing so I didn't have to "get ready." :)

And if I could change the unchangeable...
Rick wouldn't be in ANY pain and that would be the most perfect day of all, because he could really enjoy everything with me to the fullest.

The only trouble with this whole "perfect day" thing is that I'd still have the problem of wanting to fill it with more than could fit into an actual 24 hours. I'd want to be with Rick, but I'd also want to see my friends that live in different places. All at once. And since I hate to travel and drive, that DEFINITELY wouldn't be part of a perfect day. :)

Question # 8: Books, Books Everywhere and Only 10 I Can Read...

2010-02-24T21:39:00.001-05:00

The last of Lou Lou's questions is:

---If you had to take 10 books on an island you would be stuck on forever and would have to read them back to back forever what would they be?---

I'm sure in my lifetime this may have to change since I'm only 25 years old and read pretty much like it's my job (oh how I wish it was my job!)... but for right now I'll answer the question to the best of my ability. You have to know, people, this is a very hard decision. To chose just TEN of the lovely books out there in this world.

Speaking of books, a few weeks ago I decided that since I finally have a laptop I would go around my house and type all my book titles into a spreadsheet so I had a "card catalogue" of sorts. (The nerds out there are thinking, "Yeah!" while everyone else is going, "What a nerd!") Anyway, the task would have been rather daunting prior to the laptop because it would have meant I'd have to write everything down by hand, then drag my massive list to my computer and sit there and re-type everything into a spreadsheet. With the laptop at my disposal, I was able to move from room to room and bookshelf to bookshelf and just type in each title (and respective author) and alphabetize it when all was said and done.

So how many books do I have?

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

590.

And as I said, I'm only 25 years old and that list continues to grow. I'm gonna have a LOT of books by the time I'm 50. Damn, I'm gonna have a lot of books by the time I'm 30 at this rate.

So, of all the 590 books I OWN and the many, many millions more that exist in this world, I have to choose 10 to answer Lou Lou's question. No easy task.

1 - Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. (It's by far my favorite book of all time. Classic love story. NOTHING is better than this tale.)

2 - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery. (I talked about this one briefly in my last post and it's one of my favorites, child OR adult.)

3 - Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. (I first read this book when I was about 10 and have re-read it at least 10 times since then - it never gets old.)

4 - A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. (Beautiful, fantastic book - I read it for the first time in 5th grade. Funny story - I was in "library" class and had been dilly-dallying for the majority of the time when I was supposed to be picking out a book to check out and take home for the week. Suddenly the teacher yelled that it was time to go and we had to bring all our books to the counter. I didn't have one...so I ran towards the counter and grabbed a thick hardcover book off a shelf on my way. It had no picture or anything on the cover. It was just old looking and brown. I had no idea what it was going to be about and didn't think I'd really read it - I just needed a book to check out with the rest of the class. Well, later that day I threw it on the floor with a notebook or two when I was at day care and it fell open to a particular page that caught my eye. I began reading and quickly turned to the beginning of the book. I was enchanted ever since. It became my favorite book for a long while. A true and literal example of why you should never judge a book by its cover. And it didn't win the Newberry Award for nothing!)

5 - A Ring of Endless Light by Madeleine L'Engle. (This was a Newberry Honor Book and is obviously also by the same author as the book above. Madeleine L'Engle is one of my favorite authors. When she died last year I was really, really sad - she was really old though, so it's all good. Anyway, it has themes of love, life, death, and the mysteries of the universe - all centered around a 16 year old girl. It was targeted at teens as a Young Adult book - like A Wrinkle in Time - but is so much more. I'd read this one or A Wrinkle in Time at any age, any time.)

6 - The Poetry of Edna St. Vincent Millay. (I need some poetry on that island. For sure. Ever read her stuff? You should.)

7 - All But My Life by Gerda Weissmann Klein. (You'll never read another book like it. It's a true story and it's touching and amazing. A young woman survived the Holocaust in several concentration camps. She survived by keeping her spirits up and putting on plays - yes, plays - with the other girls and women. It's tragic and terrible, but it's a wonderful read and has a happy ending - in more ways than one.)

8 - A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. (This one is one of my absolute favorites as well. Turn of the century coming of age story that is beautifully written. It makes me go to a special place when I read it. I think it should be required reading.)

9 - The Stand by Stephen King. (Loooong book. But goooood book. Really interesting and no, not scary like a lot of Stephen King novels. It's one of those books you can't put down once you start. I remember reading it in the dark with a little light in my bed when I was in high school. Midnight passed, 1 AM passed, then 2 AM, then 3 AM... I did NOT want to stop reading.)

10 - Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy. (Back to the classics. I love this book. The first time I read it, I was really young - between 12 and 14 - and I cried my little eyes out at the end. I literally threw the book down on the floor and laid on my bed and kept crying. Thomas Hardy is one of the best writers there was.)

You know what? That was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be! I am completely confident in my 10 picks for the island. I have classics, I have romance, I have coming-of-age, I have childhood reminiscing. I have non-fiction, poetry, I have different time periods, and I have modern goodies. Definitely a good little library for my deserted island. :)

And you know what else? This was my favorite question to answer so far.

Question # 7: The Bell Still Rings For Me, As It Does For All Who Truly Believe...

2010-02-21T21:45:00.001-05:00

Lou Lou asks,

---"What children's books do you ablsolutely love?"---

SO many.

SO SO many.

The title of this post is actually the last line of one of my favorites: The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg.
And I also adore Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery - which is STILL one of my favorite books.

And a bunch of the Shel Silverstein books - A Light in the Attic, Where the Sidewalk Ends, and especially... The Giving Tree. Wonderful books.

I also love all the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Great Stuff. I have the whole set. :) I could honestly go on forever, listing books. From picture books to early chapter books, and everything in between, I have a lot of favorites. Those are my tops I suppose...except for the greatest children's book of all - my ultimate personal favorite from my childhood years...

MADELINE!

And she turned out the light -
and closed the door -
and that's all there is -
there isn't anymore. :)

Question # 6: Open & Honest

2010-02-15T16:22:00.000-05:00

Question # 6 is also from Lou Lou.

---"Do all your family and friends read your blog? And were you always so open and honest.. or did you have a blog and then decide you would share it later?"---

No, all my family and friends do not read my blog. It's out there on the web for all to see, and I don't care a bit about privacy as far as this blog or my other one are concerned, because anything I write here I am more than happy to share, good or bad...but I know a bunch of family members and friends who probably don't even know I have a blog. It's not something I talk about at family gatherings or when I go out with friends. If anyone asked me, I'd tell them. But I don't advertise myself.

That said, I do know that a fair amount of family members have happened upon my blog or check it regularly. This includes my mother, aunts, cousins, etc. Neither of my grandmothers has the internet. :) I can also assume a few co-workers have come across it in the past and may very well check it. Who knows. :) A bunch of friends definitely visit this blog, but a bunch of them don't. It doesn't matter to me either way. I want people to visit my blog because they enjoy reading it, not because they know me in real life and feel they should.

As for your second question, when I decided to start a blog, from the beginning I didn't care who read it. It is essentially for me, and the fact that I publish what I write on the web just means I want to share. So, I suppose the answer is that I was always open and honest. I didn't immediately tell all my family members and friends when I started a blog, but I wouldn't have minded if they stumbled upon it. This blog is almost 3 years old... and I know there are still people in my life who don't know it exists. That's okay with me. And if they find it or ask me about it? That's okay with me too.

Newsbreak: Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

2010-02-11T21:29:00.006-05:00

Allow me to take a short break in the question answering to show you what I've been dealing with, winter weather wise. For those of you who don't already know, we here in PA have had a lot of snow this week! On Saturday, we got a ton. And then AGAIN Tuesday night and all day Wednesday we had even more. I'm talking LOTS of snow.

Here's a little picture of me all drenched and in shovel mode yesterday. I had big enormous down coat on - it's like 5 coats in one and makes me all poofy. :) It snowed ALL day yesterday NON-STOP. I went out first thing in the morning to shovel - there were about 5 inches on the ground already and it was still snowing. I had to go back out again in the afternoon and shovel again so I wouldn't have over a foot to shovel with my poor weak little back later. :) It had still not stopped snowing once.

There was now about 6 more inches on the ground (are you counting here?). This time the snow was AWFUL to shovel - it was heavy, it was icy, and it was snowing SO hard the whole time I was out there shoveling that by the time I was done with my second attempt TWO more inches had already fallen. That's how fast it was coming down.

Above is a photo of the snowy-ness - this was just after I'd shoveled the first 5 inches and the second extra 6 inches. As you can see, a ton of snow is already covering my car.

In total, I think we got about 14 inches. Maybe more. It was insane. Here I am, wet, sweaty, tired, and generally hideous - but victorious! Oh yeah, and I had to shovel yet again - a third time - this morning (since the snow continued last night when I had to give up).

Question # 5: A (Not-too-thrilling) Day in the Life of Arielle

2010-02-03T21:17:00.002-05:00

Question # 5 comes from Lou Lou. She actually has a few for me, so I'm going to devote one post for each question of hers.

---"Hey! whats a 'day in the life' for you?"--

Nothing exciting, that's for sure. :) Typically I wake up around 7 AM each morning. Rick gets up earlier and leaves me to sleep. Around 7, he slips into the bedroom again, comes really close to me, and kisses my face softly a few times to wake me up. I prefer this method to any alarm clock. It's such a nice start to the day. After he smooths my hair and gives me a real kiss, I sort of mumble and roll over, cocooning myself more deeply into the covers. I generally fall asleep again for another few minutes and he comes back in again between 7:10 and 7:15 to forcefully but lovingly make sure I get my butt out of bed.

Sometimes that means ripping the covers off me and leaving me exposed to the cold air. Sometimes it means giving me a little spank and saying, "Come on now." Sometimes it means doing these things more than once. (I'm very much so more of a night owl than I am a morning person.)

I get ready for work, and we're both out the door by 8:05. We work at the same agency - a non-profit in our county. I'm a Caseworker there and Rick is the accountant. (Yes, that's how we met, but I'll save the actual story of that for another post, because someone else asked that!) We're lucky enough to get to drive into work together each morning, which saves on gas and gives us more quality time. Usually I chatter aimlessly and he listens (and drives). I don't start to wake up until the car ride. :)

We start work at 8:30. I eat breakfast at work, because I choose sleep over extra time at home. I make my muffin or bagel or cereal and take it to my office upstairs (with a banana and some coffee) and eat at my desk. I chat with my co-workers. I take A LOT of phone calls. I have about 200 clients. I see appointments sometimes. I make copies. I file. I determine income and eligibility for our program (public assistance).

If I get bored or lonely or simply miss my hub, he's only a floor below me in his own office, doing whatever it is accountants do. :) Sometimes I call his inter-office extension and talk to him for a minute. Sometimes he calls me. If I catch him in the kitchen downstairs getting water when I'm down there getting mail/coffee/seeing a client, we smile and talk for a minute.

I eat lunch at 12:30 with a hilarious bunch of women (I work with 21 women, with Rick and a guy named Bill being the only men). I'd say there are about 6 or 7 of us who eat at 12:30 and we're 25 to 65 in age - makes for some funny conversations. They always tell me I should write a book about our lunch conversations because the topics tend to range from the Amish to sex to Broadway shows to who knows what. I used to eat lunch at 1 with my friend Val (our receptionist), but she recently went on maternity leave and is currently at home for the next 3 months with her new baby girl! Oh, and sometimes I eat with Rick. :)

Work is hectic a lot of the time. There's usually a lot to do. When 5 PM rolls around, I'm happy to go home.

If it's a Monday night, I might be hurrying home to grab my ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) stuff and head to the local library to lead my support group meetings. I started the eating disorder support group a year and a half ago and it's been going strong ever since. Group is from 6:00 - 7:15 PM, but Rick knows that it can run longer if one of my girls has a problem or someone needs to talk to me. Whatever time I dash home and scurry breathlessly in the door is when we eat dinner. Rick's pretty patient most of the time (and don't worry - I have food ready for us and always tell him to go ahead and eat, but he's too nice to eat without me).

When I don't lead group, I make dinner pretty much every night. I like to cook and Rick likes to eat. We eat in our recliner chairs in front of the TV. What do we watch? Miami Vice or Magnum P.I. on DVD or something we've Tivo-ed like 24 or CSI: Miami. We're pretty ritualistic. (If it's a Tuesday, I go to my mom's to watch LOST - yes, last year it was Wednesdays, but starting this week, it's Tuesdays!)

He goes to bed earlier than I do (severe fatigue/fibromyalgia/miofascial pain), so after I tuck him in and snuggle with him for a bit, I'm back downstairs typing away on my laptop (blogging, answering reader mail - from my other recovery/advice blog, emailing, checking Facebook, or replying on the recovery forum on which I'm a moderator) and watching American Idol, Project Runway, Intervention, or any of those sorts of shows of which Rick wants no part. :) If there's no good TV or I don't feel like writing, I'm reading a good book. If it's a Tuesday, I'm making my weekly YouTube video for the collaboration of which I'm part - an eating disorder recovery channel (my day is Wednesday - Wednesday Warriors! Rawr! - so I have to make my video and have it ready to upload for the following day). (That's me in my PJs up there - and yes, I definitely make YouTube videos in my pajamas at times.)

In the midst of doing some of these nightly things, I call my friends (or call them BACK), drink some tea, and ponder things.

Bed time for me? Usually around 11 PM (on a weeknight, that is). And then I do the whole thing over again. Exciting, right?