Question # 5: A (Not-too-thrilling) Day in the Life of Arielle

Question # 5 comes from Lou Lou. She actually has a few for me, so I'm going to devote one post for each question of hers.

---"Hey! whats a 'day in the life' for you?"--

Nothing exciting, that's for sure. :) Typically I wake up around 7 AM each morning. Rick gets up earlier and leaves me to sleep. Around 7, he slips into the bedroom again, comes really close to me, and kisses my face softly a few times to wake me up. I prefer this method to any alarm clock. It's such a nice start to the day. After he smooths my hair and gives me a real kiss, I sort of mumble and roll over, cocooning myself more deeply into the covers. I generally fall asleep again for another few minutes and he comes back in again between 7:10 and 7:15 to forcefully but lovingly make sure I get my butt out of bed.

Sometimes that means ripping the covers off me and leaving me exposed to the cold air. Sometimes it means giving me a little spank and saying, "Come on now." Sometimes it means doing these things more than once. (I'm very much so more of a night owl than I am a morning person.)

I get ready for work, and we're both out the door by 8:05. We work at the same agency - a non-profit in our county. I'm a Caseworker there and Rick is the accountant. (Yes, that's how we met, but I'll save the actual story of that for another post, because someone else asked that!) We're lucky enough to get to drive into work together each morning, which saves on gas and gives us more quality time. Usually I chatter aimlessly and he listens (and drives). I don't start to wake up until the car ride. :)

We start work at 8:30. I eat breakfast at work, because I choose sleep over extra time at home. I make my muffin or bagel or cereal and take it to my office upstairs (with a banana and some coffee) and eat at my desk. I chat with my co-workers. I take A LOT of phone calls. I have about 200 clients. I see appointments sometimes. I make copies. I file. I determine income and eligibility for our program (public assistance).

If I get bored or lonely or simply miss my hub, he's only a floor below me in his own office, doing whatever it is accountants do. :) Sometimes I call his inter-office extension and talk to him for a minute. Sometimes he calls me. If I catch him in the kitchen downstairs getting water when I'm down there getting mail/coffee/seeing a client, we smile and talk for a minute.

I eat lunch at 12:30 with a hilarious bunch of women (I work with 21 women, with Rick and a guy named Bill being the only men). I'd say there are about 6 or 7 of us who eat at 12:30 and we're 25 to 65 in age - makes for some funny conversations. They always tell me I should write a book about our lunch conversations because the topics tend to range from the Amish to sex to Broadway shows to who knows what. I used to eat lunch at 1 with my friend Val (our receptionist), but she recently went on maternity leave and is currently at home for the next 3 months with her new baby girl! Oh, and sometimes I eat with Rick. :)

Work is hectic a lot of the time. There's usually a lot to do. When 5 PM rolls around, I'm happy to go home.

If it's a Monday night, I might be hurrying home to grab my ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) stuff and head to the local library to lead my support group meetings. I started the eating disorder support group a year and a half ago and it's been going strong ever since. Group is from 6:00 - 7:15 PM, but Rick knows that it can run longer if one of my girls has a problem or someone needs to talk to me. Whatever time I dash home and scurry breathlessly in the door is when we eat dinner. Rick's pretty patient most of the time (and don't worry - I have food ready for us and always tell him to go ahead and eat, but he's too nice to eat without me).

When I don't lead group, I make dinner pretty much every night. I like to cook and Rick likes to eat. We eat in our recliner chairs in front of the TV. What do we watch? Miami Vice or Magnum P.I. on DVD or something we've Tivo-ed like 24 or CSI: Miami. We're pretty ritualistic. (If it's a Tuesday, I go to my mom's to watch LOST - yes, last year it was Wednesdays, but starting this week, it's Tuesdays!)

He goes to bed earlier than I do (severe fatigue/fibromyalgia/miofascial pain), so after I tuck him in and snuggle with him for a bit, I'm back downstairs typing away on my laptop (blogging, answering reader mail - from my other recovery/advice blog, emailing, checking Facebook, or replying on the recovery forum on which I'm a moderator) and watching American Idol, Project Runway, Intervention, or any of those sorts of shows of which Rick wants no part. :) If there's no good TV or I don't feel like writing, I'm reading a good book. If it's a Tuesday, I'm making my weekly YouTube video for the collaboration of which I'm part - an eating disorder recovery channel (my day is Wednesday - Wednesday Warriors! Rawr! - so I have to make my video and have it ready to upload for the following day). (That's me in my PJs up there - and yes, I definitely make YouTube videos in my pajamas at times.)

In the midst of doing some of these nightly things, I call my friends (or call them BACK), drink some tea, and ponder things.

Bed time for me? Usually around 11 PM (on a weeknight, that is). And then I do the whole thing over again. Exciting, right?

Question # 4: I'm Always Gonna Keep On Singin'

The next question is from yet another anonymous commenter (who are you lovely people?):


---What are your top 10 favorite songs and why? You can tell a lot about a person by their choices and reasons.---


This is probably the hardest freakin' question I will ever get asked. No - seriously! It's hard! You try it! Then you'll see.

But anyway, I'm going to try my best - in no particular order.

1 - Changes by David Bowie. I love David Bowie. Like, love him so so much and would want to be his friend forever. (Thanks, Adam.) So, I'm picking this song, because it's one of MANY songs I love by David Bowie. In fact, it might be easier if I answered this question as "What are my top favorite ALBUMS and why?" because the whole entire Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars is a great big love in itself. As is Hunky Dory, the album with the above song, Changes. I honestly could choose Fill Your Heart, Rebel Rebel, Under Pressure, Suffragette City, Ziggy Stardust, etc etc etc etc... Oh! And Is There Life On Mars?! I bigtime heart that one too. :) But rather than keep listing my Bowie faves, I'm gonna move right along. Besides, many of those songs don't have lyrics that are meaningful to me - they're just great songs sound-wise. Ay yi yi, this is hard.

2 - Love Will Keep Us Alive by The Eagles. It makes me feel good. It's serene, yet classic rock. The lyrics rock ("sometimes you've just got to let it ride...")...and it's meaningful to me ("now I've found you, there's no more emptiness inside..."). It's one of Rick's and my "our" songs.

3 - Carey by Joni Mitchell. Again, I freaking adore Joni Mitchell. I have a bunch of her albums and along with the Indigo Girls, she's my go-to Calm music. Totally unique voice. Totally smart words. This song in particular isn't anything profound lyrics-wise, but I love it. It has good vibe to it. It's actually my favorite song off her Blue album, which I think might surprise people, since I don't think it's a song typically picked as a favorite. I just like it...and I don't really know why...except that it seems honest to me and the feel of the music is like a story in itself. I also read once that it's about an actual guy she met while in France, living among hippies and having a grand old time.

4 - Scenes from an Italian Restaurant by Billy Joel. It's 7 minutes and 37 seconds long and I love every second. It's so nostalgic, so real, and always kind of gets me thinking about things from the past. I have a soft spot in my heart for Billy Joel. I could also easily have chosen the song All About Soul or To Make You Feel My Love (though I think Bob Dylan may have done that one first?) or And So It Goes. That one always just kind of gets me. Anywho, Scenes from an Italian Restaurant is a perfect blend of soft and lilting turning into a beat-y, more rock sound, and back to soft and lilting again. I'm all about that. It always seems to be one of those songs that, when it happens to come on the radio (which isn't terribly often), I'm like "Yay!" even though I could listen to the song on my iPod anytime.

5 - Watershed by The Indigo Girls. The lyrics to this song are so poignant...to me. This song always resonates with me, no matter how many times I hear it. In fact, I just have to share it with you:

Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand,
The gold and the rainbow, but nothing panned out as I planned.
And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide.
Twisted guardrail on the highway, broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent.
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't get any younger
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load.
You'll never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile.
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.
Well there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where i started again makes me wanna stand still.
Stepping on a crack, breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait.
Until every step you take becomes a twist of fate.

To me, it is a perfect song in every way.

6 - The Waiting by Tom Petty. It's another one of those "our songs" for me and my hub. It's sort of hard to explain how it fits us, because it's a long story, but it really makes a lot of sense if you know our beginning and backgrounds. I really like Tom Petty and it's almost like this song was great, but had no real meaning until I met Rick...then it was like the song took on a whole new specialness.

7 - These Days by Vince Gill. I adore Vince Gill. He's always considered country-ish, but he's really more folk...and rock...and than he gets credit for...or gets associated with. There isn't a single Vince Gill sound I don't like. He has an amazing voice that you can't help but love. And everything he sings has such feeling. Such great sound. So, I knew I had to have a Vince Gill song in this list, but it was really, really hard for me to pick just one. The song These Days is off his 4 disc album of the same name...and let me tell you, it's amazing. Each disc is labeled differently - there's The Country & Western Record, The Rockin' Record, The Groovy Record, and The Acoustic Record. Each one is stunningly well done. Simply put, These Days is a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics and a beautiful song that makes me thing about my beautiful life.



8 - In My World by The Moody Blues. They have this other-worldly quality about them, you know? And this particular song is a love song that somehow doesn't sound like your typical love song. The lyrics have meaning for me and Rick (again, I know, but it's true). Rick loves The Moody Blues, and while I'm not head over heels for them, this song makes me feel. You know how you can read lyrics to a song and you think: "Okay, nice words. That's cool." But when you HEAR the song, it just completes everything and it's totally different from what you'd expect? That's what this song is for me.

9 - Emotionally Yours by Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan just has that voice that you always know is his. There's no mistaking it. And this song has what looks like a cheesy title, but it's freaking REAL if you ever bother to listen to the song. I don't know that it's a very popular song by Dylan, but it always makes me smile and muse and enjoy.

10 - Me and You by Kenny Chesney. Okay, I don't really have a problem with Kenny Chesney, but the only reason he's in my Top 10 is because he sang our wedding song. I thought it might be a good one to end with, and even though I don't love it more than a lot of the other songs up here, somehow, when I hear it, I still get choked up. Not because it reminds me of my wedding or dancing that first dance with my husband, but because of why we picked it for our wedding song. The sentiment felt in the melody...the lyrics that seemed like they were written for us ("Ordinary, no...I really don't think so...not a love this true... Common destiny, we were meant to be...me and you.") Rick and I don't have an ordinary love, but it's a real one and it's a lasting one.

Okay, now that I've made you all throw up, I'm not gonna lie, I have A LOT of loves - Cecila by Simon & Garfunkel...Some Kind of Wonderful by Grandfunk Railroad...Get Off My Cloud by the Rolling Stones (and much of the Rolling Stones in general)...

And I'm a huge Coldplay fan. And I love me some A Fine Frenzy. And The Flaming Lips. But if I'm gonna pick my top 10, I have to go with the ones that've been around a while (with the exception of Kenny Chesney I suppose).

Question # 3: Happiness is a Warm Bed...

^ Well, actually, it's a lot more than that. :) But question # 3 comes from another anonymous commenter:

---"How do you define happiness? In general and in your life these days?"---

It's a very difficult thing to define happiness. Happiness is one of those words that can encompass so much. I realized a few years ago, that to me, happiness means not just joy or excitement or being satisfied with life; at the very heart, what it really means is contentment.

I had lived my life with the usual amount of fun, pain, sorrow, and happiness, but around 2007 I started realizing that something was different. I was happy, but I had been happy before... so what was different?

Ever wonder where you'll be in 10 years? I used to do that all the time, and still indulge in that sort of pondering from time to time. 10 years ago, when I was 15, I I never would have imagined my future to be what it is now. 5 years ago, at 20, my thoughts were different still. And now, at age 25, I shake my head in wonder at the dips and turns my life has made. I'm in a good place and can't begin to complain about a single thing. Well, I could... there are certainly things I wish for - different job, a child, maybe a little more money, for my husband to be in less pain (due to severe Fibromyalgia and Myofascial pain)... but while those things I lack aren't insignificant, I'd rather focus on the good stuff, of which there is plenty.

I feel loved. I feel appreciated. Life is good - it's as simple as that. Happiness to me, is finding the time to do what I love and be with those I love.

Happiness has many faces - manic, excited, pleased, etc. But Content only has one face: the face of tranquility, peacefulness, true calm, and satisfied comfortability. I've seldom been CONTENT in my life, even when I've been happy - until 2007. That's what I realized back then. Contentment is part of happiness. In general, and certainly for me. That's what had been missing in my life before.

I can go to sleep at night without a thousand thoughts racing through my head. I never used to be able to do that. I can wake up with a stretch and a smile and know that no impending badness or dread will be waiting for me as I start my day. It's the dearest kind of freedom, the deepest kind of love.

I've always been a worrier. I've always kept myself up wondering about things, wishing for things to be different than they were...but not now. I feel decidedly like for the past few years a weight has been lifted off of me...like the me that was covered symbolically in heavy garments and layers has emerged and I'm naked and I feel light and cool and uninhibited and I am no longer weighed down and kept hidden. Problems of the past have disappeared and I see only a bright future...a precious gift that's been given to me...and I will never take it for granted.

Live Laugh Love isn't my motto for nothing!

Question # 2: People, People, People

Question # 2 comes from another anonymous commenter and, interestingly enough, also has something to do with food/weight - but NOT in regards to eating disorders. (Don't worry, my next post will delve into more light-hearted, personal Arielle-ish-ness - the curious ask and they shall receive.)

---"Hmm let me see. So how do you handle people saying to you, "you are sooo skinny" or "did you lose weight?" when you eat as much as the next guy and your weight has been the same for 30 years! And, you never had an eating disorder. And, your doctor tells you you are very healthy!"---

You handle how you would handle anything else. It's no different. If those comments make you feel uncomfortable, say so. If reiterating over and over that you are healthy and are naturally thin isn't getting the message across, then it's unlikely anything will. In short, the problem is them, not you. Or more specifically, there may be some level of awe or fascination there that causes those people to continuously remark upon your weight.

We live in a weight-obsessed society. If you know you're healthy and have been the same weight for 30 years, that's all that matters. People will always think what they want to think and we often can't stop them from saying what they will say. The sooner you can shrug it off and get on with your life, the better. :) If there is truly no underlying foundation to this situation - that is, if you are being completely honest with yourself and your naturally thin weight is indeed healthy for your age and height - then be confident being you and leave the comments to the air.

We come in all different shapes and sizes. Our lifestyles are all different too. People will forever comment on bodies and/or lifestyles that are different from their own. It's human nature. It may often be tactless, but chalk it up to human nature nonetheless.

And you know, the 3 Hs can work in this case too. :) (See previous post to understand what the hell I'm talking about.)

Oh, and leave me your questions if you'd still like!

Question # 1: I Feel Like 'Dear Abby' :)

First question comes from an anonymous reader -it's more of an advice inquiry than a personal question, but I'm happy to answer! (If you'd like to ask a question - ANYTHING you want to know about me! - leave me a comment on this post.)

---"I love your blog! You are such a true inspiration to me I can't tell you. And you are so beautiful! I really struggle with comments from people close to me regarding diet and exercise. For example my friend goes on about her running a lot and how "bad" she feels if she can't run...it gives me the guilts and I have started overexercising again because I feel so lazy in comparison...this is just an example but how do you cope with comparing and people's (at times) insensitive comments to you in recovery. Thank you, x x"---

Thanks so much for the kind words. :) Your question is one I get asked a lot by women who are recovering from eating disorders. And my answer is one that lots of people can use, whether they have eating disorders or not. SO MANY women have to deal with other women constantly talking about dieting, weight loss, eating, comparisons, etc. etc. etc.

Back in 2007, I wrote a post on my other blog called "The 3 Hs" - I stand by what I call the 3 Hs and one woman I who read them told me she printed them and posted them at work after talking to her employer. So here ya go: THIS is how you can cope with comparing and people's insensitive comments, and/or any diet or weight-loss related talk you personally don't feel comfortable with.

For those of you who'd rather not read, you can watch a video I made on the 3 Hs below instead. It's an old video (almost a year old now, believe it or not!) from the recovery collaboration I'm a part of, hence the "Wednesday Warriors" title and explanation towards the beginning. My camera was giving me a serious false lisp noise for much of the video, so ignore that and watch if you so desire!



The 3 Hs

The problem: How to deal with people who talk constantly about weight, weight loss, and/or dieting.

What this problem can be:

-Triggering

-Sad

-Annoying

-Unhelpful

-Angering

-Any or all of the above

A lot of the time this person in question is someone you love, respect, or call a friend. So it gets tricky. And sticky. And well, downright icky.

I tend to suggest the 3 Hs.

The 3 Hs:

-Humor

-Honesty

-Heart to Heart

Let me explain. Let’s say the person in question says, “I can’t believe I gained 5 pounds.”

You could laugh and say, “You probably just need to go to the bathroom,” and soften the situation with a little humor, making light of it, and therefore letting the person know it’s OKAY, but at the same time not getting into it with them if it would make you uncomfortable or be triggering.

Let’s say the person in question says, “I am so fat.”

You could respond with, “Of course you’re not fat. You are beautiful just the way you are. That’s one of the reasons I love you.” It’s honesty. And people sometimes shrink away from it because it feels so serious and so open. And because people without eating disorders don’t always put it out there like that. But if you DO care about the person saying this, then combat her negative comment with something REAL.

Another example is this: Let’s say the person in question says, “I need to go on a diet.”

Your response could be, “No you don’t. A diet isn’t necessary to make you feel better. It isn’t the answer.” There’s some more honesty for you. People don’t usually talk frankly and poignantly like this with one another. But sometimes, it’s the best thing. Sometimes the person with whom you’re having a conversation needs to hear it. You might feel strange giving so bold a reply to their comment, but it takes the conversation in a different direction—a non-triggering direction, an empowering direction, a GOOD direction.

On to the last H. Let’s say the person in question says, “I’m trying to lose weight. I only ate a salad and a diet Coke last night,” and goes on to detail their food intake or their pride in dieting—even if it’s NOT unhealthy.

You’ll be doing yourself a favor if you have a little heart to heart and say, “I don’t want to blow off what you’re saying because I am listening. And I want you to feel like you can talk to me about things, but it’s really hard for me to hear details about food and dieting. I want to be honest with you about this for my own good. I don’t have a problem with you, I just have a problem that I’m working on. I hope you can understand.”

You’re not apologizing. You’re being truthful. You’re worrying about yourself first, as you should. And you’re still being a good friend. And you can be as vague or as open as you feel you need to be when having the little heart to heart. If the person knows about your eating disorder history, it might be easier, but even if the person doesn’t, there are still plenty of ways you can say what’s written above without revealing more information than you’re comfortable with. If the person asks something you’re not happy answering, you have simply to say, “I hope you won’t mind, but I don’t really want to talk about that right now. But let’s keep talking.” These kinds of things are difficult, but once you learn to do them, you’ll be much better off and much better equipped to handle what gets thrown at you in this life.

After all, using the 3 Hs is better than just sitting or standing there quietly, listening to comments like these, feeling triggered and trapped. Am I right? You might be surprised how much your own voice thrown into the mix makes a difference. You also might be surprised about how easy it really is when you start saying something back. These weight/weight loss/dieting conversations happen far more often than you might like, so learning how to handle them is a definite must.

Okay - now back to your regularly scheduled program. :)

Calling All Questions...

Questions, anyone? A few of my fellow bloggers have done this, and I think it's a good way to give people what they want to read, while at the same time creating a writing topic for me (always fun practice for a writer).

Ask me something (anything!) – anything you want to know about me, hear my thoughts on, discover about my past or present, etc. – and I'll answer each question, one question per post, in the next month. Devoting one post per question means you don't get a silly survey style of answers from me. It means you'll get a complete, entry-length answer each time that could turn into a post that's sad, happy, nostalgic, or just plain thoughtful.

Just leave your question in a comment on this post. I know I have a lot of blog readers who aren't listed as "Followers" on my sidebar or who don't have blogs themselves. I know there are family members, friends, followers from my more popular recovery blog, and complete strangers who read this blog regularly (or pop in from time to time). If you DON'T have a blog or aren't one of my "Followers" through Blogger, you can STILL leave a comment.

All you have to do is click below this post to comment, write me your question, and select "Anonymous" as the user option. Your comment will show up (after approval). It's also a good way to ask me a question if you actually don't want me to know who you are (or if the question is one that makes you want to leave your identity unknown), as tons of people can leave comments as "Anonymous" with no identifying information showing up to me. People always think you can't leave a comment if you don't have Blogger – not true! (Of course, if you WANT me to know who you are, and you don't use Blogger, you can just tell me in the body of your comment...otherwise your comment just shows up as anonymous.)

As I continue to post, just add your questions to the comments of THIS post and I'll get to them.

Serious, silly, thought-provoking – I want them all! Then you get to read what you want to read. :)

All-righty-then? Okay.

Begin!

Resolved!

Well, these were last year's resolutions:

-Be cleaner (referring to my house)

-Be more conscious

-Eat to gain and maintain

-Learn to be okay with "just relaxing"; learn that I don't always have to be doing something at every moment of the day

-Learn to knit

-Get more sleep

-Write, write, write

-Ask for help when I need it

I succeeded in doing most of them (gained back the 11 lbs I'd lost due to stress and have been at my healthy, natural weight for at least 7 months now...try to make it to bed by 11 each weeknight...entered a short story contest...etc.), but definitely didn't learn to knit. I also don't think I became more conscious this past year. I really wanted to be more conscious of all things in order have a better life and better experiences. I also don't think I accomplished my "be cleaner" resolution very well, but according to Rick I did in fact manage to be cleaner in 2009 than in 2008, so since progress occurred, the resolution happened.

2010's resolutions are:

-Start each day with the phrase "It's a great day." No kidding - I set my phone alarm to tell me that every morning.
-Focus on finding serenity and calm each day, even when things are hectic or I'm feeling anxious.
-Be cleaner (in reference to my house). Well, I made progress last year, but I'd like to be better! I'm don't let my house get dirty, but I'm a clutter nut.
-Read more books. I read a ton the latter half of 2009, but not as many as I'd have liked to for the whole year, so I have a biiiiig list of what to read this coming year. I'm already on my third book of 2010! I read Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol and W. P. Young's The Shack so far these first 8 days of the year.

This is my book basket - there are about 25 books in there I need to get to and it grows all the time! My bookshelves are filled, but that's my "To read" bin!

Well, I whittled my resolutions down from 8 to 4 since last year, and while I'd really like to add a 5th (like "do more art" since I loved getting back into it as I made the time to do some lovely work for my parents and brother for Christmas gifts) I think I'll just leave the list as is for now and make art a fun, rewarding sort of thing when I have time, instead of a number on my to-do list!

Happy New Year to all! May 2010 bring you great things.